IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

It is commonly believed that nowadays main factors that affect a child's development are media, pop culture and friends. A different point of view is that family plays the most significant role. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#factors #child #development #media #pop #culture #friends #point #role
Some
people
 consider that a
child
's growth depends on their environment and social network.
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
 the other part of
people
 thinks that it depends on their parents and how they raise them. I strongly agree that parental education affects more than
child’s
Correct article usage
a child’s
show examples
 surroundings. Opposing the view and the reasons will be explained in the following paragraphs.
People
 of the first view consider that children's environment affects their development. Everything they watch on social media and spending time with the wrong
people
 can significantly impact on
child
's growth. And the majority of parents try to control
who
Change the pronoun
whom
show examples
 their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 talk to or what they watch and listen to. But it's understandable, every parent worries about their
kids
Change noun form
kid's
kids'
show examples
 future which
also
 depends on society. So they want their
child
 to communicate with
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 type of
people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
show examples
 that will motivate and help them to move on. Oppositely,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other
people
 suppose that the family is an important factor in shaping the discipline and
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 of the
child
.
This
 is because children always repeat the
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 of
people
 who are close to them, and in many cases it's family. So it's important to set a good example
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 your
child
. Taking both sides into account, I personally think that family affects more on
child
's development than the
people
 they communicate with, social media and pop culture. From the arguments and examples
given
Add a comma
,given
show examples
 I think that children view their parents as role models and follow
example
Add an article
the example
show examples
 set by them.
Submitted by happy01.uk on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • influence
  • development
  • media
  • pop culture
  • peers
  • family
  • social skills
  • beliefs
  • values
  • emotional support
  • moral guidance
  • aspirations
  • self-image
  • social development
  • value system
  • harmony
  • conflict
  • significant
  • behaviors
What to do next:
Look at other essays: