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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows shares of expenditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year of 2009

The bar chart below shows shares of expenditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year of 2009
#bar #shares #expenditures #five #categories #states #canada #kingdom #japan #year
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The given bar graph illustrates the spending of
American
Fix the agreement mistake
Americans
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,
Canadian
Fix the agreement mistake
Canadians
show examples
, English, and Japanese
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 five main categories, which is reported in 2009.
In
Change preposition
At
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
first glance, it is noticeable that the citizens in
four
Correct article usage
the four
show examples
 countries had a tendency to spend
on
Correct quantifier usage
more on
show examples
 accommodation
most
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
,
whereas
Linking Words
 the
expenditure
Use synonyms
 on health care was
on the contrary
Linking Words
,
instead
Linking Words
 of the United States, where clothing was the least.
In addition
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 the
expenditure
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 food, housing,
transportation
Correct word choice
and transportation
show examples
 was recorded with a high rate, that of health care and clothing were lower among
five
Correct article usage
the five
show examples
 given classifications.
Firstly
Linking Words
, in the high-spending group, the figure for housing was about 23% on average, being the category most expended,
while
Linking Words
 that for food and transportation was approximately 17% and 15%, respectively.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, United States,
Canada
Replace the word
Canadian
show examples
, and United Kingdom citizens spent most on housing;
by contrast
Linking Words
, Japan prioritized spending on culinary
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 hit the point of 23%, outwarding other nations.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the US, Canada, the UK, and Japan had similar
Use synonyms
expenditure
Fix the agreement mistake
expenditures
show examples
 on clothing, which was 5% on average.
However
Linking Words
, there was a notable difference in
Use synonyms
expenditure
Add an article
the expenditure
show examples
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 health care, which the figure for the United States was about 6%, doubled that for Canada and Japan,
while
Linking Words
 tripled that for the United Kingdom.
Submitted by namle.ivce on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words expenditure with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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