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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
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The bar chart below compares the Australian participants who participate in physical activity
by
Change preposition
apply
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according to
Linking Words
 six
age
Use synonyms
 categories in the year 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, it was apparent that women who have
Use synonyms
age
Correct article usage
an age
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 more than 25 tended to prefer doing physical
activitiy
Correct your spelling
activity
activities
 rather than men. Reversely,
however
Linking Words
, the opposite was true for men under 24.
In the
Change preposition
The
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 youngest male(15 to 24) presented
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 huge amount of ratio, which was 52.8%.
However
Linking Words
, the
male's
Change noun form
male
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 tendency experienced a decrease between
Use synonyms
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 25 to 34 and 35 to 44, which was 42.2% and 39.5% respectively. After reduction, the data showed a slight
increasing
Replace the word
increase
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 from
moddle-aged
Correct your spelling
middle-aged
module-aged
 adults to old-aged adults male.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, 47.7% of young
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
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 around 15-24 were involved in
exercise
Add an article
the exercise
an exercise
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,
whereas
Linking Words
 it increased gradually to reach the peak between
45
Correct article usage
the 45
show examples
 to 54
age
Use synonyms
 group. It remained stable during the next group and reached a low of 47.1% at 65 and over.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "reach" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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