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Band 2.5

It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#it #schoolchildren #history #world
It is argued that offspring learn more about their local
history
 than planet
history
.
This
 essay
tottaly
Correct your spelling
totally
 agrees with that statement because
children
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will convey and save their
history
 when they grow up, and it is a gold background about their country life.
To begin
with
Add a comma
with,
show examples
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 offspring who are responsible
about tell
Change preposition
for telling
show examples
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 generations about their
history
. By
learning
Verb problem
teaching
show examples
children
 the local
history
 is the perfect way to keep local
history
 for
long
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
 lifetime.
Along with
that
Add a comma
that,
show examples
 it will
guarante
Correct your spelling
guarantee
 that no one will remove or ruin
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
history
 in the future.
For instance
, in Egypt
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
eductional
Correct your spelling
educational
 institutions are keen to teach
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
history
 as a main subject at schools.
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
 local
history
 can be considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a great experience for
children
. Because
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
history
 has
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 development in education,
agricultural
Replace the word
agriculture
show examples
 and engineering as well.
Besides
 a lot of
handwork
Change to a plural noun
handworks
show examples
created
Add a missing verb
is created
show examples
 by default and it is
barly
Correct your spelling
barely
 to discover it if
Add an article
the
a
show examples
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 does not
teachg
Correct your spelling
teach
teaching
 local
history
 and take care of world
history
.
For example
,
Chaina
Correct your spelling
China
keen
Add a missing verb
is keen
show examples
 on
teach
Change the verb form
teaching
show examples
 their
history
 to offspring to keep the secret of
industerial
Correct your spelling
industrial
exist
Replace the word
existence
show examples
 forever. In conclusion,
children
 might be the most
imprtant
Correct your spelling
important
 resource to keep
history
 and take the good features from their local
history
.
Submitted by abdelhalimaboismail on

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coherence and cohesion
The essay predominantly focuses on the agreement with the given statement, however, it lacks a clear introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
While the essay provides some relevant points, it fails to fully address the task. It needs to provide more developed and cohesive arguments with relevant examples.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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