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Band 4.5

In today's competitive world, many families find it necessary for both parents to go out to work. While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel they lack support because of their parents' absence.

#world #families #parents #work #say #children #benefit #income #lack #support #absence
Nowadays people live in
very
Add an article
a very
the very
show examples
 competitive world and the rhythms of modern
life
 dictate their own rules. As can be
seen
Add a comma
,seen
show examples
work
-
life
 boundaries are blurred which can impact negative changes not only on lifestyle as a whole, but
in particular
 on parent-child relationships.
However
, the global financial crisis pushes people to look for extra
work
 to maintain
family’s
Correct pronoun usage
their family’s
show examples
 financial stability. It’s not a secret, that structure of a modern family is not the same as it was a century ago. The position of
women
 has been changed. In the past
women
 occupied a very low position in
family
Add an article
a family
the family
show examples
 with no rights and freedom. For centuries raising
children
 has been thought
as
Change preposition
of as
show examples
 “
women
’s
work
”,
women
 took full responsibility for childbirth, childcare and domestic
work
. The situation has changed after
women
’s empowerment. The main feature of
modern
Add an article
the modern
show examples
 family is the economic independence of
women
, nowadays both
parents
 leaves the home for
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
work
 and
build
Fix the infinitive
to build
show examples
 their career. But it doesn’t change the fact that
children
 need
parents
 to be involved in their
life
, they need care and love. Parent’s employment,
lack
Correct word choice
and lack
show examples
communication
Change preposition
of communication
show examples
 with
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 child has a bad impact on
children
’s
life
. Self-discipline,
emotional
Correct word choice
and emotional
show examples
 development
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 stunned without parental guidance and involvement, because
parents
 are the model for their
children
. Without parental
control
Add a comma
,control
show examples
 their child can even join peer groups with low moral and social standards.
However
,
parents
 are driven not only by careerism or personal ambition. Desire to earn more money to make their child’s
life
 less challenging makes
parents
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
work
 more and harder.
This
 would enable
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
show examples
 provide better education,
better
Correct word choice
and better
show examples
 health care
service
Fix the agreement mistake
services
show examples
 to their child. Modern
children
 have all they want,
such
 as different circles and
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 sections. Job
parents
 could provide
children
 with expensive toys, clothes, trips,
camping
Correct word choice
and camping
show examples
.
Moreover
, when both
parents
 are busy at
work
 enough, the risk of development of overprotection syndrome is much lower and
kid
Correct article usage
the kid
show examples
 rises as a very independent person. In conclusion, I would like to say that it is hard to keep a traditional family structure nowadays.
Life
 is changing and it’s very important to improve a
life
-
work
 balance. Job
parents
 have
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 opportunities to look after their
children
 but they need to realize their
kids
Change noun form
kid's
kids'
show examples
 mental and emotional needs. At the same
time
Add a comma
,time
show examples
 it’s essential to earn enough money to provide a resource
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 kids’ future.
Submitted by nikolettliny on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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