IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

The obesity rate among teenagers has increased dramatically in many developed countries. discuss some possible reasons for this problem and suggest solutions.

#obesity #rate #teenagers #countries
Correct article usage
The numbers
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Numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
Number
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 of obese people especially the young ones has increased rapidly in many developed countries. Recent statistics demonstrate to
obesity
Correct article usage
the obesity
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 rate is growing gradually and governments are
concerning
Wrong verb form
concerned
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 about that. In my opinion,
main
Add an article
the main
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 reason is
that
Correct word choice
apply
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junk
 food consumption so the most beneficial ways to handle
with
Change preposition
apply
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obesity
 is
do
Correct your spelling
to
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 not eat these types of meals and do sports. First of all,
junk
foods
is
Change the verb form
are
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 one of the most pivotal reasons
of
Change preposition
for
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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obesity
 in developed countries because they have significant
manufacture
Replace the word
manufacturing
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 power
such
 as
United
Correct article usage
the United
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 States of America.
For instance
, medical researches give information about that the fat, spice, and other materials which are inserted in
junk
foods
not
Add a missing verb
are not
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 healthy and
dangereous
Correct your spelling
dangerous
 for
human
Add an article
the human
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 body. Some companies claim that their goods
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 healthy and does not cause
obesity
 but experts say the meal
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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make
Wrong verb form
made
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 in industrial production stages
is not have
Change the verb form
does not have
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 a chance of
healthy
Add a missing verb
being healthy
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. To make it clear,
junk
foods
 are extremely effective
about
Change preposition
for
show examples
obesity
also
 not only
junk
foods
 but
also
 all packaged meals have harmful impacts. Eating healthy
foods
 and doing sports is
basic
Add an article
a basic
the basic
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 and crucial key to
solve
Wrong verb form
solving
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this
 problem. As an illustration,
consume
Wrong verb form
consuming
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 only healthy
foods
 and
do
Wrong verb form
doing
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 sports regularly create a not obese person with
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
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 body because not every
normal weight
Add a hyphen
normal-weight
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 person is healthy. The pivotal point
that
Add a missing verb
is that
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 being
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
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 individual is
gain
Fix the infinitive
to gain
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 vitamins and minerals from
naturel
Correct your spelling
natural
foods
.
To sum up
,
obesity
 is
huge
Add an article
a huge
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 important issue for society in
imrpoved
Correct your spelling
improved
 countries. With the improvement
technology
Change preposition
in technology
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 and artificial
foods
,
obesity
 will
be include
Change the verb form
include
show examples
other disease
Change the wording
another disease
other diseases
show examples
such
 as high heart tension and blood pressure. If it happened future eras will extremely suffer that.
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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • dramatically
  • prevalence
  • addictive
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • gadgets
  • exertion
  • awareness
  • balanced diet
  • incorporate
  • nutritional education
  • facilitating
  • impose
  • regulations
  • restricting
  • promote
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