IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In the past, sporting champions used to be motivated primarily by the desire to win a match or to break world records. These days, they are more likely to be motivated by prize money and the opportunity to be famous. What message does this send to young people and how does this attitude to sport affect the sports themselves? Give reasons for your answer.

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In ancient ages,
sports
Use synonyms
 people mainly
focuses
Wrong verb form
focused
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to get
Change preposition
on getting
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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victory and
make be
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
world
Use synonyms
 champions by breaking records but nowadays the trend of earning prize
money
Use synonyms
 and fame has
been
Verb problem
become
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 more popular. In
this
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 , essay
i
Change the capitalization
I
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 will discuss how
this
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 changing scenario will affect attitudes toward
sports
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 and what kind of messages will be delivered to the younger generations. First and foremost, the hunger to earn
money
Use synonyms
 and fame will negatively impact the younger generation.
In addition
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 to
it
Correct pronoun usage
this
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money
Use synonyms
-minded
Use synonyms
sports person
Correct your spelling
sportspeople
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 may not have fair play and there is a high probability of conspiracy and corruption in the game. The new generations may imitate
this
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 attitude leading any kind of game to a dirty game. Earning a trophy and breaking the
world
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 record can be life-changing for
sports
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 people but if
money
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 attracts them
then
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 the result can be horrible.
Sports
Use synonyms
 will be a business
than
Rephrase
rather than
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 art. To give an example a national club
name
Replace the word
named
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 Lion used to break its own records in the past but after
players
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 resigned to seek better opportunities in other clubs all the other
players
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 started to run for
money
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 and join different clubs.
Secondly
Linking Words
, in the case of
Use synonyms
world cups
Correct your spelling
World Cups
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, if the
players
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 started to play for
money
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then
Linking Words
 it would be very difficult for a
country
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 to pay for
players
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as a result
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 of which they might play for another
country
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 .
This
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 will hinder the
country
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to get
Change preposition
from getting
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 the trophy it deserves.
For instance
Linking Words
, popular football player Zembarg played for Spain in the
Use synonyms
world cup
Correct your spelling
World Cup
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,not Argentina as Spain bought him and surprisingly Spain won the title.
In addition
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 to ,
this
Linking Words
 it will decrease the brotherhood and love for the
country
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 which the new generation will learn and they start to be more greedy and selfish than patriotic.
To conclude
Linking Words
, the changing desire of sportspersons from being
world
Use synonyms
 champions to earning
money
Use synonyms
 and fame is negatively impacting the young generation making them selfish on the one hand and
Use synonyms
money minded
Add a hyphen
money-minded
show examples
 on the one hand.

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coherence and cohesion
Aim for a clearer logical structure in your paragraphs. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea with supporting sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your introduction outlines your main points more clearly and that your conclusion summarizes those points effectively.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or evidence to fully support your arguments. Making connections between your ideas and real-life consequences can strengthen your essay.
task achievement
The essay presents a relevant topic and offers a perspective on the changes in motivation among sportspeople.
task achievement
The identification of negative impacts on the younger generation is a significant point that reflects critical thinking.
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