IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some high school students work part-time in addition to going to school. What are the advantages and disadvantages of high school students having part-time jobs? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

Getting a job has become more competitive than it has ever been. Many try to get a job even when they are in high
school
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 and are willing to
work
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 as they study. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of
students
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 working part-time jobs.
Students
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 opt to
work
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while
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 studying gain invaluable experience.
School
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 or university help us learn skills that are beneficial for a better life
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 they only teach so much. How to apply them is something that can
be
Rephrase
only be
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obly
Rephrase
apply
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taught in the real world. A student learning
going
Wrong verb form
to go
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 to culinary
school
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,
for instance
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, can learn how to cook food but won't learn how to perform the same task in a restaurant, where they have to serve many in a short amount of time, something that can only be done
so
Rephrase
apply
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at
such
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 an establishment.
Furthermore
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,
students
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 are able to earn money and live independently. They can fund their expensive college degrees without having to borrow
large
Correct article usage
a large
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 sum of funds. Gaining knowledge
that is
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 fundamental to
perform
Wrong verb form
performing
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 their jobs is critical for many.
However
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,
students
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that
Correct word choice
who
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work
Use synonyms
 are overburdened. Not only do they have to spend hours on their
school
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work
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,
they
Correct word choice
but they
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 are now being forced to split their day
at
Change preposition
between
show examples
 tedious jobs.
This
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 duress leads to mental and physical exhaustion.
For example
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, a student who is studying to become a nurse working at a completely unrelated job just creates pressure and doesn't really teach anything relevant to their field of education.
Consequently
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,
this
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 impacts both their academic life and
work
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 life. Which
further
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 leads to a feeling of tiredness and
happines-deprivation
Correct your spelling
happiness-deprivation
. In conclusion, working part-time is a choice many
students
Use synonyms
 make for a variety of reasons.
However
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, they should first focus on their studies as it is their priority.

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structure
Structure: use a clear plan. One idea in each paragraph. Intro with main idea, two body parts about pros and cons, short end.
grammar
Grammar and spelling: fix errors like 'obly' and 'happines-deprivation'. Keep sentences short and clear.
vocabulary
Vocabulary: use simple, easy words. Some big words are not needed.
content
Content: add more real life examples from school life. Show how a job affects study time and mood.
coherence
Coherence: use linking words like also, but, for example, in addition to help flow.
task response
The essay shows both sides and has an end.
structure
There are some good ideas in support of points.
content
Examples are used to show points.
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