Some people think parents should supervise their children's activities closely, while others believe children should have more freedom. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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One of the social concerns today relates to
parents
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supervision
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of their
children
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.
While
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it is widely believed that
parents
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should take control of their
children
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closely, others believe
parents
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should give more freedom to their
children
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. I’m going to discuss these opposing points of view. In my opinion, we should keep the balance between the two notions. (không sai, nhưng chung chung vậy thì điểm thấp) On the one hand, it is argued that
parents
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supervision
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of their young is important and necessary. The main reason is that
kids
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are unable to protect themselves in some likely dangerous situations. It is
also
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possible to say that they are not mature and knowledgeable enough to keep themselves away from dangers that are present everywhere around them. One good illustration of
this
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is that a
child
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may not know a bowl of boiling soup on the table is hot and can cause burning. They possibly put their fingers into the bowl and get a burn. Another reason is nowadays there is an increasing issue of
children
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kidnapping crime.
For example
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, when a
child
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is playing in the park without his
parents
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supervision
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, some bad people can approach the
child
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and allure him with sweets or something, and
then
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kidnap the
child
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. The criminals do that just because they want to take ransom from the
child
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’s
parents
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or they may sell the poor
child
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overseas. So if the
parents
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always keep an eye on their
children
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’s activities, it will be safer for the
kids
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.
On the other hand
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, it is strongly believed by others that
children
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should have more freedom to do almost whatever they want. People often have
this
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opinion because they think the best way to learn everything is from both bad and good experiences that would help
children
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grow independently and wisely. A second point is that freedom would encourage and enhance a
child
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’s creativity, problem-solving skills and taking
responsibilities
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responsibility
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. A particularly good example here is a
child
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who is playing with his peers in the playground, and sometimes there is a quarrel with other
kids
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. If the
parents
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do not intervene in the
kids
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’ business, the
child
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will learn how to communicate, and negotiate to get what he wants. He may be a loser, but at least after that, he can learn to control his bad feelings. In conclusion, it is commonly thought that
parents
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should supervise their
children
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carefully meanwhile others assume that
parents
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should give their
children
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more space to
delelop
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develop
naturally and independently. Personally, I tend to believe that
parents
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need to keep a balance between too much
supervision
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and not
to
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apply
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control at all. Let
children
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grow up naturally and learn new things with genuine curiosity about the world and sometimes deal with certain harsh situations. But it does not mean that
parents
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do not accompany their
kids
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in any circumstances, let
them
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apply
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alone when they need help. I believe
parents
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would learn how to raise and educate their
children
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through a long challenging and interesting journey to be smart and the best
parents
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.
Submitted by yeshomeclass on

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task achievement
Make sure to have a clear thesis statement in the introduction to outline your stance and the structure of your essay. Although your opinion is present, it could be more explicitly stated to improve clarity.
coherence cohesion
Consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of your essay. While the essay is generally well-structured, more sophisticated cohesive devices could enhance the overall coherence.
task achievement
Include more detailed examples that relate specifically to the points being made. While the examples given are good, they can be further elaborated to strengthen the arguments.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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