Some people think parents should supervise their children's activities closely, while others believe children should have more freedom. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
One of the social concerns today relates to
parents
’ supervision
of their children
. While
it is widely believed that parents
should take control of their children
closely, others believe parents
should give more freedom to their children
. I’m going to discuss these opposing points of view. In my opinion, we should keep the balance between the two notions. (không sai, nhưng chung chung vậy thì điểm thấp)
On the one hand, it is argued that parents
’ supervision
of their young is important and necessary. The main reason is that kids
are unable to protect themselves in some likely dangerous situations. It is also
possible to say that they are not mature and knowledgeable enough to keep themselves away from dangers that are present everywhere around them. One good illustration of this
is that a child
may not know a bowl of boiling soup on the table is hot and can cause burning. They possibly put their fingers into the bowl and get a burn. Another reason is nowadays there is an increasing issue of children
kidnapping crime. For example
, when a child
is playing in the park without his parents
’ supervision
, some bad people can approach the child
and allure him with sweets or something, and then
kidnap the child
. The criminals do that just because they want to take ransom from the child
’s parents
or they may sell the poor child
overseas. So if the parents
always keep an eye on their children
’s activities, it will be safer for the kids
.
On the other hand
, it is strongly believed by others that children
should have more freedom to do almost whatever they want. People often have this
opinion because they think the best way to learn everything is from both bad and good experiences that would help children
grow independently and wisely. A second point is that freedom would encourage and enhance a child
’s creativity, problem-solving skills and taking responsibilities
. A particularly good example here is a Fix the agreement mistake
responsibility
child
who is playing with his peers in the playground, and sometimes there is a quarrel with other kids
. If the parents
do not intervene in the kids
’ business, the child
will learn how to communicate, and negotiate to get what he wants. He may be a loser, but at least after that, he can learn to control his bad feelings.
In conclusion, it is commonly thought that parents
should supervise their children
carefully meanwhile others assume that parents
should give their children
more space to delelop
naturally and independently. Personally, I tend to believe that Correct your spelling
develop
parents
need to keep a balance between too much supervision
and not to
control at all. Let Fix the infinitive
apply
children
grow up naturally and learn new things with genuine curiosity about the world and sometimes deal with certain harsh situations. But it does not mean that parents
do not accompany their kids
in any circumstances, let them
alone when they need help. I believe Correct pronoun usage
apply
parents
would learn how to raise and educate their children
through a long challenging and interesting journey to be smart and the best parents
.Submitted by yeshomeclass on
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task achievement
Make sure to have a clear thesis statement in the introduction to outline your stance and the structure of your essay. Although your opinion is present, it could be more explicitly stated to improve clarity.
coherence cohesion
Consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of your essay. While the essay is generally well-structured, more sophisticated cohesive devices could enhance the overall coherence.
task achievement
Include more detailed examples that relate specifically to the points being made. While the examples given are good, they can be further elaborated to strengthen the arguments.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite