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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think parents should supervise their children's activities closely, while others believe children should have more freedom. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

One of the social concerns today relates to how
parents
Use synonyms
 should treat their
children
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.
While
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 it is
widely
Rephrase
apply
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commonly suggested that
parents
Use synonyms
 should supervise their
children
Use synonyms
’s activities closely, others believe
children
Use synonyms
 should have more freedom to grow. In my opinion,
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 support parent who should oversee their
children
Use synonyms
’s activities closely. On the one hand, it is argued that
parents
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 play a vital role in
children
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’s activities.
Firstly
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, the main reason is that
children
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 can not fully control
of
Change preposition
apply
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their emotions or decisions. It is
also
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 possible to say that the prefrontal cortex - the part of the brain that helps people make smart choices is still growing until around age 25. So
children
Use synonyms
 surely can not
do
Verb problem
take
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 safe action without
supervision
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. One good illustration of
this
Linking Words
 is an increasing number of tragic incidents involving
children
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 that have occurred
due to
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 a lack of parental
supervision
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, including drowning in lakes or ponds and being attacked by aggressive animals.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it is strongly believed by others that freedom plays a vital role in the
growth
Use synonyms
 of
children
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. People often have
this
Linking Words
 opinion because each person has a different
growth
Use synonyms
 way,
children
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has
Wrong verb form
who have
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 free
growth
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 will develop a more brave and strong personality than others. A particularly good example here is Chihiro (from the Spirited Away - Ghibi Studio) - A young girl is separated from her
parents
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 and forced to survive on her own in a magical world. Through
this
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 journey, she matures quickly, learns how to work, and discovers how to protect herself. In conclusion, parental
supervision
Use synonyms
 or free decision-making are thoughtful ways to help adult
children
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. Personally, I tend to believe that
children
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 need parental
supervision
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.
This
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 will help
children
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 safer,
as well as
Linking Words
 more convenient in the
growth
Use synonyms
 process, avoiding mental illness.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly define your view in the introduction. Use simple sentences to state your opinion directly.
coherence
Add clear topic sentences for each paragraph to guide the reader. This helps in understanding your main points quickly.
coherence
Work on using linking words to connect sentences and ideas, which will improve the flow of your essay.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your points, which strengthens your arguments.
coherence
Your conclusion summarizes your opinion well, making it clear what you believe.
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