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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the number of men and women (in thousand) in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below shows the number of men and women (in thousand) in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#men #women #thousand #education #britain #three #periods #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The graph chart illustrates how male and female
students
Use synonyms
 completed
further
Linking Words
education
Use synonyms
 either
full time
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
 or part-time in Britain in three different
era
Fix the agreement mistake
eras
show examples
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
namely 1970-71, 1980-81 and 1990-91.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the portion of part-time educational
students
Use synonyms
 was significantly higher than in both gender categories. Noticeably, the
number
Use synonyms
 of female learners
were gradually emerged
Change to the active voice
gradually emerged
emerged
show examples
year by year. For male
students
Use synonyms
, precisely about 1000
students
Use synonyms
 were learning part-time during 1970-1971 which declined by roughly 150
students
Use synonyms
 after two decades passed.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the year 1980-81 had the least
number
Use synonyms
 of
students
Use synonyms
 in full-time
education
Use synonyms
 and only about 80
students
Use synonyms
 were in full-time
education
Use synonyms
 in 1970/71.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
number
Use synonyms
 grew
40
Change preposition
by 40
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 per decade and from 120 to over 200 male
students
Use synonyms
 in 1990- 1991. Meanwhile, the amount of part-time female
students
Use synonyms
 was starting
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
startling
Correct article usage
a startling
show examples
 pace in 1970-1971 and there was only below 50 in full-time
education
Use synonyms
. Later, the quantity of female full-time learners was raising slightly in 1980 but the amount
part-time
Change preposition
of part-time
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 rocketed to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
830.
Lastly
Linking Words
, the
number
Use synonyms
 of female part-time
students
Use synonyms
 climbed consistently to the 1200
however
Linking Words
 there was a
slightly
Change the adverb
slight
show examples
 drop in the full-time female learners.
According to
Linking Words
 the graph,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
full-time
further
Linking Words
education
Use synonyms
 was not popular in both gender categories. To summarize, the
number
Use synonyms
 of female
students
Use synonyms
 was raising substantially compared to the male
students
Use synonyms
 within three decades.
Submitted by thant2356zin on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "further".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, education, number with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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