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Band 4.5

Some people think young people should go to university to further their education while others think they should be encouraged to work as car mechanics or builders etc. to serve society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #university #education #work #car #mechanics #builders #society
University
 is a place for the student who has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
graduated from high school to gain
further
 knowledge and education.
While
 others may think that
university
 is not always worth it to society. I personally do not agree with the
people
have
Correct pronoun usage
who have
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that
Correct determiner usage
the
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 opinion to pursue young
people
 to work as car mechanics or builders
instead
 of going to
university
.
To begin
 with, In today’s era, the parents of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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students have always wanted their children to get
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
degree
 from
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
university
 with the reason for a better future, meanwhile, there are some
people
think
Correct pronoun usage
who think
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
degree
 is not always worth
for
Change preposition
apply
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their child because they argue if
people
 with the
degree
 are not able to work as mechanism and will not care about the community. In fact,
people
 who go to
university
 especially own a technical
degree
 are more capable work as
mechanism
Correct article usage
a mechanism
show examples
 and have
a better knowledge
Remove the article
better knowledge
a piece of better knowledge
show examples
 than they do not.
In addition
, educated
people
 have more
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
exposure from their
lecture
Fix the agreement mistake
lectures
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 and
university
 environment that they are better prepared to serve society,
Moreover
, they know
the
Correct article usage
apply
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exactly what the impact
if
Add a missing verb
is if
show examples
 something is going wrong and what to do to anticipate the wrong impact as mechanics or builder since they are educated. In conclusion, I would reaffirm my stance
that is
 better for
people
 should go to
university
 to acquire
the
Correct article usage
apply
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more knowledge
this
 is because
people
 with official educated from the
university
 they are legit, competent and
also
 ready to perform their ability to serve
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
society
Submitted by farel2300 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • higher education
  • vocational training
  • skillset
  • employment landscape
  • economic contributions
  • hands-on experience
  • critical thinking skills
  • practical knowledge
  • tuition fees
  • trade professions
  • essential workforce
  • academic qualifications
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