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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The diagram below shows the average hours of unpaid work per week done by people in different categories. (Unpaid work refers to such activities as childcare in the home, housework and gardening.)

The diagram below shows the average hours of unpaid work per week done by people in different categories. (Unpaid work refers to such activities as childcare in the home, housework and gardening.)
The chart presented illustrates the average number of weekly time spent performing unpaid working activities,
such
Linking Words
 as housekeeping and parenting. The two categories represented are married
women
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 and
men
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. Regarding the first category, it can be appreciated how there is a correlation between the size of the family and the working
hours
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. Mothers with three or more offspring spend twice the time working unpaid
hours
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 as married
women
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 without kids.
According to
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 the chart, if a married lady gives birth once or twice times, she can expect to see an increase of 20
hours
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 on average for
this
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 kind of labour. Continuing with the second category, the first thing that catches the eye is the difference in working
hours
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 between the two genders. Married
men
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 without children work an average of 10
hours
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 less than their wives. But as soon as children arrive the gap grows and can even reach more than 40
hours
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 on average. Another important distinction between the two categories is the trend.
While
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 heir increases
women
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's working
hours
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, the opposite happens to
men
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's.
While
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 the arrival of the first child does not modify its working routine, from the third one the
hours
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 drop. In conclusion, it can be stated that
men
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 and
women
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 have averagely different working routines inside a marriage.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the sixth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words women, men, hours with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the sixth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • distribution
  • demographics
  • household responsibilities
  • societal expectations
  • norms
  • childcare
  • housework
  • gardening
  • contributions
  • family structure
  • cultural implications
  • social implications
  • work-life balance
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