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Band 5.5

People naturally resist making changes in their lives. What kinds of problems can this cause? What solutions can you suggest?

#people #changes #lives #kinds
In general, individuals prefer to stay in their comfort zone throughout their
life
.
This
 essay will explain the reasons and give logical examples to tackle the problem. A monotone lifestyle can cause you to miss opportunities in
life
, which is the most important issue that
people
 do not want to understand.
This
 is to say that if
people
 ignore reasonable changes they can miss, maybe, the most crucial thing in their
life
.
Moreover
, a society that prefers to not change will end up as an undeveloped community.
Additionally
,
this
 situation might have a negative effect on the next offspring,
such
 as, what happened in Turkey in the
last
 two decades. Most men and women argue that the government ought to have an active role when it comes to solutions.
Firstly
, the government should provide free self-education courses. In
this
 way, individuals who believe they need to improve themselves but do not have a mentor
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
could get a huge benefit without payment.
Secondly
, streaming true success stories on TV
encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
show examples
people
 to achieve their dreams. Eventually, it will help
people
 to accept change and create a developed society. A recent study has shown that the increasing number of
people
 who changed their occupation and became successful in Sweden, between 2005 and 2015 by the impact of the TV ads. In conclusion, all individuals on the globe have to elaborate that without change they might lose a significant chance of their
life
 and stay unimproved. To get rid of it, no doubt,
people
 need the help of the government through unpaid courses and more entertainment.
Submitted by serdarbabaeski on

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. The logical structure of the essay is weak. Try to follow a more organized approach with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
task achievement
The essay partially addresses the task, but the ideas and examples are not fully developed. It lacks depth and coherence in presenting ideas. Try to provide more comprehensive and relevant examples to support your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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