IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

In many countries traditional foods are being replaced by international fast food. This is having a negative effect on both families and societies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #foods #food #effect #families #societies
In most countries all over the world, little by little people are replacing international fast
foods
 with traditional
foods
 that
maybe
Correct your spelling
may
show examples
 have a negative impact on both families and society. I will discuss
this
 statement, and
then
 give my own opinion. We all know
this
 truth we live in a world where everything goes on rapidly.
Time
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and technology
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 in a rush
thus
 people should justify their own pace with the speed of living in
this
 world. So people have no choice when they are at work during the day,
then
 go to the gym, after all
this
 they are
so
Rephrase
too
show examples
 tired to stand in the kitchen for several hours and cook healthy food.
On the other hand
, I completely believe that eating junk food most days has many terrible effects on people’s lives. First of all, fast
foods
 have no nutritive ingredients so will harm the body, if you eat fast
foods
 all the
time
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
this
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
 so many problems and disorders like diabetes and obesity during a
time
.
Second,
Families have a spiritual need to spend
time
 together during the day and making dinner with each other is a very
suit
Correct your spelling
suitable
show examples
 and good way to spend some
time
 together, talk to each other,
having
Wrong verb form
and have
show examples
 fun
besides
 that they eat healthy food. In conclusion, I totally agree with the given statement because giving preference to eating international fast
foods
 leads to the highest cost
as well as
 health issues.
Submitted by samiraazizzadeh93 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt partially, but some ideas are not fully developed or well-explained. More specific examples and evidence are needed to support the main points.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is some logical organization in the essay, but the introduction and conclusion could be more developed. The transition between ideas and paragraphs needs improvement for better coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: