IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

the government’s investment in arts, music and drama is a waste of money. Government should invest these funds in public health services instead. To what extend do you agree with this statement.

#government’s #investment #arts #music #drama #waste #money #government #funds #health #services
In our today’s modern life, each government has a major role to use its authority and strengthen a fundamental organization in societies. Regarding
this
, some believe
health
 instruction should be funded
while
 investment in activities like art and play should be ignored. I tend to agree
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
somehow
although
 there is no contradiction to
invest
Wrong verb form
investing
show examples
 in both sides.
To begin
 with, the government subsidizing the
health
 care system can insure some vulnerable groups
such
 as children, the elderly and disabled people.
This
 can enormously decrease their financial anxiety and improve the mental security of society.
Moreover
, with the provision of clinical treatment, the welfare of the public can be improved;
therefore
, we can see
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society in prosperity.
On the other hand
, living in today’s world where our lives have become too hectic and stressful, having some choices that make fun
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 us is necessary. In fact,
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
show examples
such
 as art, music and drama can widely entertain us. They can be meditative as well;
for example
, when people spare time to go and visit a fascinating theatre or concert, they can empty the mind
from
Change preposition
of
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 thoughts and give a feeling of relief.
Hence
, investing in these hobbies can improve
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
 and happiness of society and prevent mental and physical illnesses.
To sum up
, despite all the benefits
with
Change preposition
of
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 having a powerful
health
 service that can guarantee
mental
Correct article usage
the mental
show examples
 safety of folk and increase advantaged groups, spending money on mentioned activities by the government can hugely contribute to the well-being of the communities and they can give power to each other.
Submitted by nooshinhabibinejad on

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