IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

We live in a world of technology these days. While the internet brings with it clear advantages, the problems in terms of control and security of information outweigh the advantages of this technology. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#world #technology #internet #terms #control #security #information
We live in a world of modern
technology
these
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
nowadays.
While
 the brings
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
understandable advantages, the issues in conditions of control and security of
information
 outweigh the positive effect of
this
technology
. I agree with
this
 statement to a maximum extent and my essay will elaborate on
this
 in the following paragraphs. The first
internet
technology
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
to
safe
Replace the word
save
show examples
 your private
information
.
Moreover
, it is
rules
Correct article usage
the rules
show examples
internet
Change preposition
of internet
show examples
technology
.
The second
Correct article usage
Second
show examples
yours
Correct pronoun usage
your
show examples
Fix the agreement mistake
IPs’s
show examples
IP’s
Wrong verb form
IP are
show examples
 not clue and have special programs
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 protect
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
your
information
. It is impossible despite IP systems. The first reason to mention is that place
internet
technology
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 everything possible so that there is no
information
 about you in the publication.
Furthermore
Add a comma
,Furthermore
show examples
 it is duty
internet
technology
.
However
,
if
Correct your spelling
it
show examples
 will agree
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
not official contract
then
 will be bad consequences.
According to
 recent
day
Fix the agreement mistake
days
show examples
 statistically
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 75%
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
agree
every
Change preposition
with every
show examples
 not official contract. After all the
information
 was computed.
Therefore
 do not
have
Add the particle
tohave
show examples
 accept everything. Here even official support
internet
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not help us. The second cause to be pointed out is that
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
special systems or programs protect
information
 for
internet
 users. In
additional
Replace the word
addition
show examples
this
 program remove dangerous website for users. Managers internets spend a lot of money
Change preposition
on this
show examples
this systems
Change the determiner
this system
these systems
show examples
 every year.
For example
, statistically every year there are fewer dangerous sites. Decreased by as much as 20% Of course, these examples may not represent all cases. On balance,
however
, I tend to believe
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 protect
yours
Correct the word
your
show examples
internet
 users from
dangeros
Correct your spelling
dangerous
information
. It exists in rules internets areas.
Submitted by azatorazalin on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • global connectivity
  • digital banking
  • cybersecurity
  • data protection
  • security breaches
  • cyber attacks
  • online transactions
  • digital divide
  • surveillance
  • freedom of information
  • responsible usage
  • ethical considerations
  • digital footprints
  • online behavior
  • information inequality
What to do next:
Look at other essays: