IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The governments investment in art such as music and theatre is a waste of money, government must invest money on public service instead. Do you agree or disagree?

The Authorities Investing in
art
Use synonyms
 is a normal and old way business in which the government invest more in public services but, recently public demand has become more essential than
art
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I will agree that the authorities should divert the
money
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 to invest in public demand
such
Linking Words
 as the construction of good
Roads
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 and the provision of good
water
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 supply being more important than craft.
This
Linking Words
 shall be expatriates in the essay. The Authorities should spend more
money
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 on social needs
such
Linking Words
 as
roads
Use synonyms
 than
art
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 because not everyone loves
art
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 despite the fact that it has its own health benefits but having good
roads
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 superseded it. For ,example when one is sick and needs to access health care on time with good
roads
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,
Heath
Correct your spelling
health
show examples
 care services will be rendered without any complications But when the
roads
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 are bad the person's condition will become
worst
Correct word choice
worse
show examples
 along the journey and death might occur.
In addition
Linking Words
 to the above, governments should invest more in providing a good
water
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 supply.As we all know
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
water
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 is a major requirement for man to survive on Earth, after getting access to
water
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 if, the
water
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 consumed is unhygienic it will jeopardize the person's health.
Good
Correct article usage
A good
show examples
 drink results in a good community and state.
For instance
Linking Words
, when people are always getting sick
due to
Linking Words
 the consumption of unhygienic drinks, the governments will not have peace of mind, and
money
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 will be wasted on drugs
instead
Linking Words
 of achievements in well-being.
moreso
Correct your spelling
Moreover
 if care is not taken
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 will be lost. Conclusively,
in contrast
Linking Words
 to the Government's investment in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
craft
Fix the agreement mistake
crafts
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as music and theatre rather than public service, I will agree that
money
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 should be diverted to public services like the construction of good
roads
Use synonyms
 and the provision of good
water
Use synonyms
 that will help to have a good developing environment.

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task achievement
Your introduction presents your main idea, but it could be clearer. It is good to state your opinion directly at the start.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use clearer paragraphing. Each paragraph should focus on one main point, which helps the reader follow your argument better.
coherence and cohesion
Use more linking words (like 'firstly', 'also', 'in conclusion') to connect your ideas. This will help the essay to flow better.
task achievement
Although you provided some good examples, try to explain them in more detail for better understanding.
task achievement
You have strong main ideas focusing on public services
task achievement
You gave relevant examples related to health and water supply, which support your arguments well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • government
  • investment
  • art
  • music
  • theatre
  • waste
  • money
  • public service
  • agree
  • disagree
  • economy
  • jobs
  • tourists
  • revenue
  • culture
  • society
  • mental health
  • happiness
  • important
  • support
  • educate
  • social issues
  • valuable
  • long-term
  • change
What to do next:
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