IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Many think that religion should be taught in schools while others think it should be avoided. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#religion #schools
Nowadays, an increasing number of arguments that
religion
 should be promoted,
while
 others believe it should be prevented. In my opinion,
religion
Replace the word
religious
show examples
 education should be limited as it may
leads
Wrong verb form
lead
show examples
 to the conflicts in future. Many claim that
religion
Replace the word
religious
show examples
 education is mandatory as it promotes harmony.
This
 is because children would learn the value of
religion
, and
respectful
Add a missing verb
be respectful
show examples
 to other different cultures and traditions. To illustrate, few schools have already introduced the bible, from where students are more likely to enhance their knowledge about the
Christ
Replace the word
christian
show examples
religion
. Another key consideration, it is an opportunity to connect the students from different backgrounds.
Thus
, they indulge themselves in the activity where they share their ideas and thoughts. Despite,the merits
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
mentioned above, I would like to argue that the demerits of
this
 trend are outweighed by the advantages.
Firstly
,
spiritual
Add an article
the spiritual
show examples
 division might
leads
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
conflicts among young children owing to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cultural disagreements.
Hence
, they
tends
Change the verb form
tend
show examples
 to hate other religions and
chances
Correct article usage
the chances
show examples
 of discrimination
increases
Fix the agreement mistake
increase
show examples
.
For instance
, in Afghanistan
schools
Add a comma
,schools
show examples
 the discrimination rate
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 been
increase
Change the verb form
increasing
increased
show examples
 in the
last
 10 years.
Apart from
this
, if the
religions
Fix the agreement mistake
religion
show examples
 is taught by any anti-
religion
Replace the word
religious
show examples
 person
further
 leads to negative consequences.
As a result
,
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 would learn only what is not right. In conclusion,
although
 I accept that there are
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 possible advantages of introducing
religion
 as a subject, I would still claim it is
destructive
Correct article usage
a destructive
show examples
 approach
due to
 numerous reasons that have already been mentioned.
Submitted by Navneet Dhand on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • religious education
  • multi-faith society
  • values and ethics
  • tolerance
  • diversity
  • religious freedom
  • secular education
  • curriculum
  • worldviews
  • interfaith dialogue
  • religious literacy
  • moral guidance
  • cultural understanding
  • critical thinking
  • respect
  • indoctrination
  • religious beliefs
  • secular state
  • religious extremism
  • academic subject
What to do next:
Look at other essays: