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Band 3.5

In many countries today, the eating habits and lifestyle of children are different from those of previous generations. Some people say this has had a negative effect on their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#countries #habits #lifestyle #children #generations #people #effect #health
I think
this
 is correct
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because many
children
 in different countries eat junk
food
, like hamburgers, chicken, pizza, etc.,
they
Correct word choice
and they
show examples
also
 drink soda or sugary drinks. These foods and drinks can cause many diseases throughout your life, one of them diabetes, which today is very common for people, even
children
, to have
this
 disease. Carbohydrates are not bad since they provide energy to the body, but consuming them in large quantities is not good for people's health.
Children
 consume a lot of junk
food
 because normally in their free
time
Add a comma
time,
show examples
 they watch television or play video games and for
them
Add a comma
them,
show examples
 the best
food
 to eat
while
 doing
this
 is junk
food
. In schools, cafeterias sell many types of snacks
such
 as chips, cookies, sweets,
foods
Correct word choice
and foods
show examples
 that if consumed in large quantities or every day can harm your body. In conclusion
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people especially
children
 should be more careful with what they eat and take more care of their lifestyle, eat healthier and play sports.
Submitted by ismael.222sr on

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coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow by using transition words (e.g., 'Firstly', 'Moreover', 'Finally'). This will make it easier to follow your argument.
task achievement
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and develops it fully. This will make your argument more robust and comprehensive.
task achievement
You have provided relevant specific examples, like mentioning the consumption of junk food and sugary drinks and the role of school cafeterias selling snacks.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and a conclusion that summarize your main points effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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