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Band 4.5

some people think that iNTERNET HAS BROUGHT PEOPLE CLOSER TOGETHER WHILE OTHERS THINK THAT PEOPLE AND COMMUNITIES ARE BECOME MORE ISOLATED. DISCUSS BOTH SIDES AND GIVE YOUR OPINION.

#people #internet #communities
There are some arguments that agree that social network connects
everyone
 together,
while
 many
people
 would not agree with that point.
This
 essay will discuss how social media can help
everyone
 keep in touch easily, showing the confidence of
people
 who would prefer face-to-face meetings, and why I prefer using
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social
network
Fix the agreement mistake
networks
show examples
 to offline
meet
Fix the agreement mistake
meetings
show examples
. First of all, some social media apps,
such
 as Facebook and Instagram help to connect
everyone
 together through a technology device, even if they are in 2 different nations. It
also
 helps
everyone
 keep in touch easily with their family members, friends, and their partner.
For example
, abroad students
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 contact their families without the Internet, which could affect negatively their homesickness, and some students who cannot overcome the study pressures or international barriers
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 could harm themselves without self-control.
Therefore
, I believe that using the Internet has more advantages than its drawbacks. On another hand, a human's characteristics could be improved if they join the offline meet. The reason is,
they
Correct word choice
that they
show examples
 will be more confident and learn new things when they keep in touch with many
people
 around them, which helps them to perform well in front of
people
.
For instance
, a famous show named TedxTalk has shown that confidence can be boosted through offline conversations with every generation;
therefore
,
people
 can learn many experiences and lessons from
everyone
that
Change preposition
with
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
whom they
show examples
 communicate in society. It
also
 contributes to the attraction and flexibility in their ideas and performances, which will give them promotions in their careers. I trust that it would not be more outweigh online meetings because of their flexibility and benefits. In conclusion, a face-to-face meeting could give many advantages in life,
such
 as confidence and attraction;
however
, connection with family and friends is more crucial and necessary in life, which helps
people
 to keep fighting every day.
Submitted by halenguyenkhanh2005 on

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task response
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, but the arguments are not fully developed or balanced. More in-depth analysis and exploration of each perspective is needed.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a basic logical structure, but there are some inconsistencies in the development of ideas. The use of cohesive devices could be improved to create clearer links between sentences and paragraphs.
lexical resource
The lexical resource is adequate, but there is room for improvement in the choice and variety of vocabulary. Some word choices are repetitive and lack precision.
grammatical range
The grammatical range is sufficient, but there are errors in sentence structure, verb tense, and word forms. The essay would benefit from more complex and varied sentence structures.
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