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Band 2

The bar provided the percentage amount of men and women in Australia who did regular physical activity in 2010 split by age.

#bar #percentage #amount #men #women #australia #activity #split #age
The bar provided the
percentage
amount
 of
men
 and
women
 in Australia who did regular physical activity in 2010 split by
age
. In general, all over the
age
, the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of
women
 who did regular physical activity was higher than the
men
 except for
15
Correct article usage
the 15
show examples
 to 24 years
group
 which the
men
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 higher. Regarding the
women
, the highest
percentage
 of
women
 was
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
group
Correct article usage
the group
show examples
 45 to 54 years old with 53.3%.
In addition
, we can see the trend that the
percentage
 of
women
 raised as the
age
increase
Replace the word
increased
show examples
.
However
,
this
 situation for
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 55 to 64 and
group
 65 and over was different
which
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 as the
age
increase
Replace the word
increased
show examples
, the
percentage
 of
women
 declined. Meanwhile, for the
men
 in Australia, the
amount
 was falling as the
age
 of the
men
 raised with the lowest
percentage
was
Replace the word
being
show examples
 39.5%
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
35
Correct article usage
the 35
show examples
 to 44
group
. After that, as the
men
getting
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 older, the
amount
also
getting
Wrong verb form
gets
show examples
 higher.
At
Change preposition
In
show examples
 the oldest
group
, 65 and over, the
percentage
 of
men
 and
women
 was slightly similar with
0.4
Correct article usage
a 0.4
show examples
%
different
Replace the word
difference
show examples
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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