IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think parents should supervise their children's activities closely, while others believe children should have more freedom. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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One of the social concerns today relates to children’s education.
While
Linking Words
 it is widely believed that
parents
Use synonyms
 should supervise their kid’s activities, others believe that youngsters should have a more free life. I am going to discuss these opposing points of view .In my opinion, mom and dad should not monitor their son and daughter too closely and give them a little bit of freedom. On the one hand, it is argued that
parents
Use synonyms
 should supervise their kid’s activities closely. The main reason is that offspring can be affected by the environment around them easily. It is
also
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 possible to say that if do not have
parents
Use synonyms
 supervise them, offspring can get into social problems.
For instance
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, my brother got kidnapped two weeks ago because our
parents
Use synonyms
 do not look after him too much, so we had to spend a lot of time to find him. Another reason is that children can not know what is a good thing or a bad thing.
For example
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, youngster just play video games too much and do not know that it will make them addicted and decrease their vision.
On the other hand
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, it is strongly believed by others that children should have more flexibility. People often have
this
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 opinion because if
parents
Use synonyms
 monitor their son and daughter too much, they will be uncomfortable and can not grow normally. A second point is that children will stress and do unusual things to prove that they do not need
parents
Use synonyms
 to look after them every hour. A particularly good example here is my best friend, their parent look after him too much and make him feel really stressed so he decides to live outside to prove he does not need
parents
Use synonyms
, now he and his father do not talk to each other anymore. In conclusion, it is commonly thought that
guardian
Fix the agreement mistake
guardians
show examples
 should look after kid’s activities closely; meanwhile, others assume that offspring should have more ability. Personally, I tend to believe that guardian should supervise their child just at a certain level and give them more free days

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introduction
Ensure that your introduction clearly presents the topic and outlines the structure of your essay. Avoid ambiguous terms such as 'mom and dad' and use formal language like 'parents'.
coherence
Use a range of cohesive devices to link ideas and paragraphs together. However, avoid overusing them and strive for a natural flow of information.
logical structure
Present clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to help establish what the paragraph will discuss. Ensure that each paragraph is clearly connected to the overall topic of the essay.
conclusion
Your conclusion should effectively summarize the main points made in the essay and clearly state your opinion.
task response
Fully address all parts of the task, ensuring that your response covers both views and provides a clear opinion. Use examples to support your points, but make them more effective by tying them closely to your argument.
examples
When giving examples, ensure that they are relevant and specific. Strive to connect these examples more effectively to your argument to illustrate your points.
development
For a higher score in Task Achievement, expand on your ideas and give more detailed explanations with clear, comprehensive arguments. Strive to balance the essay with equal development of both views and your opinion.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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