IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The purpose of business is to make money and they should concentrate only on this. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge of experience.

#purpose #business #money
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Basically, the goal of building a
business
 would be different for each entrepreneur
as well as
 the WHYs.
However
,
according to
 my personal perspective, I'm leaning toward
disagree
Wrong verb form
disagreeing
show examples
 if we only focus to make
mony
Correct your spelling
money
 in doing
business
.
First,
the money itself comes from the exchange
between
Change preposition
of
show examples
 one value
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 another. We can pay it
trough
Correct your spelling
through
show examples
 action, service, or thing including money. That being said, the
business
 itself must be valuable so that will meet customer's willingness to pay, and bit by bit the
business
 will be profitable in the near future. To add to that, how
people
 define what
things
 are valuable when it comes to these 3
things
:
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
helps us to do a job, as a pain reliever, or as a gain creator.
Otherwise
,
people
 would think the
business
 is not worth every penny.
Second,
business
 is
also
 about the
people
. Running a
business
 is definitely challenging to do alone,
hence
 the founders need to onboard more
people
 to help them achieve the
business
 goals which
also
 can be translated into money or profit. With that in mind, concentrating on the
people
, nurturing them, and treating them fairly and properly
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 part of the
fundemental
Correct your spelling
fundamental
things
 in
business
, not only at the early stage
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the long run to make sure the
business
 can still
be exist
Change the verb form
exist
show examples
for more years and sustain.
Last
, running a
business
also
require
Change the verb form
requires
show examples
 a
system
. The
system
 will help the goal and the
people
 to stay on track or even grow bigger than ever. The
system
 can be a lever to scale up the
business
 if we know how to use it,
on the other
hand
Add the comma(s)
,hand
show examples
 it is
also
 potential that the
system
 becomes the bottleneck if
wa
Correct your spelling
we
 can not tailor it wisely with other components.
To sum up
, we have 3
things
 that are essential in
business
, which are the goal, the
people
, and the
system
. Once we can manage them well, I believe the
business
 will be
last
.
Submitted by regia.shofriyah on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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