IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays young people prefer going to shopping centres rather than spending their time in organised activities such as sport or music. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

There is an argument that
centres
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 on youngsters preferring to be in shopping malls rather than engaging in sporting and music
activities
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 by which
to have
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 merits or demerits. Even though
this
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 trend has several benefits, in my opinion, I
highly
Rephrase
apply
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believe that there are more drawbacks. On the one hand, young
people
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 spending their
time
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 in shopping
centres
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 over organised
activities
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 is a positive development.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, buying new stuff in shopping
centres
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 makes them over
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
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moon
Check wording
minds
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. It is a good way to release stress.
Additionally
Linking Words
, spending more
time
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 with their friends hanging out in shopping complexes can allow them to be in touch with each other as much as they want. There is no need to have the same interest.
As a result
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, buying new stuff and spending more
time
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 with friends is a great way to live your life. It is less stressed and can become more sociable.
On the other hand
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, I strongly believe that
this
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 trend has more disadvantages. Essentially speaking,
people
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 are tempted to see new items, which could lead to the tendency to overspend their monthly budget.
For example
Linking Words
, these days
young
Punctuation problem
, young
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people
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 aim to have fancy things in Korea. They are inclined to buy those items as they spend
time
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 in the shopping mall
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can cause them to have financial problems.
Secondly
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, if they were to participate in
activities
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, they
can
Wrong verb form
could
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 expand their mindset and limits in their life.
Last
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 but not least, mental and physical health improve a lot together to make a balanced and healthy life. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 nowadays young
people
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 prefer going to shopping
centres
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 over
organized
Change the spelling
organised
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activities
Use synonyms
 is a positive development, in my view, I strongly believe that
this
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 trend has more demerits.

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task clarity
State your clear view in the first paragraph and keep it to the end.
focus
Stick to one main idea in each paragraph and show why it matters to the task.
grammar
Use simple and short sentences; fix mistakes in grammar.
cohesion
Use linking words to show how ideas are connected (for example: first, also, but, because).
content
Give a real, easy example that relates to the point you make.
structure
The essay uses a two-side view with 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand' in place.
content
There are clear ideas about stress and time with friends.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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