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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#show #sales #sectors #zealand #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The two charts indicate the online
sales
Use synonyms
 for
retail
Add an article
the retail
show examples
 sector in New Zeeland in
years
Correct article usage
the years
show examples
 2003 and 2013. It is surprisingly interesting from
pie
Correct article usage
the pie
show examples
 charts that some retail sectors
such
Linking Words
 as
sales
Use synonyms
 of
clothes
Use synonyms
 and
travel
Use synonyms
 tickets reduced from 2003 to 2013 on the
internet
Use synonyms
. It is evident from the pie chart
travel
Use synonyms
 sector was over 1/3 part of online shopping in 2003.
Clothes
Use synonyms
 shopping was the second most preferred sector on the
internet
Use synonyms
 in terms of shopping. Online
sales
Use synonyms
 of music and films had almost
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 percentage.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
online
Correct article usage
the online
show examples
sales
Use synonyms
 percentage of
travel
Use synonyms
 tickets slightly fell to 29% in 2013. Online
sales
Use synonyms
 of
clothes
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 decreased from 24% to 16% in comparison to 2003. Music and
films
Change the noun form
film
show examples
sales
Use synonyms
 were most preferred on the
internet
Use synonyms
 shopping.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the
sales
Use synonyms
 of music and films
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
critically 12% increased on the
internet
Use synonyms
 in 2013. There was not any significant change between 2003 and 2013
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
book
sales
Use synonyms
. From my point of view, something serious should
happened
Change the verb form
happen
show examples
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 online
travel
Use synonyms
 and
clothes
Use synonyms
sales
Use synonyms
 like losing
trust
Add an article
the trust
show examples
 of people
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 online shopping in New Zeeland between
years
Correct article usage
the years
show examples
 2003-2013.
Otherwise
Linking Words
, online shopping was only increasing almost all over the world.
Submitted by mr.mehdiyevkamran on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words sales, clothes, travel, internet with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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