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Band 3.5

Task 2 ( agree or disagree). Government spends much money for education. More money should be spemt on free-time activities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#government #money #education #spemt #free-time #activities
Nowadays, Education spending is important to the
government
 these days and they are neglecting leisure
activities
 as usual. These exercises are beneficial for everyone. I agree that the
government
 should spend more money on leisure
activities
. Undoubtedly, today, the money spent on education is very important for
people
 in every country, and I will add that today's young educated societies are peaceful nations and
society
Fix the agreement mistake
societies
show examples
 free from crime.
Therefore
, the level of literacy indicates the status of each country.
In addition
, free
time
activities
 are
also
 important. Because students can spend their free
time
 with various
activities
 after studying.
Then
 they will be distracted even a little and spend their free
time
 productively.
Therefore
, the
government
 should pay
attention
 to free
time
.
On the other hand
, if
people
 engage in some
activities
 in their free
time
, they fight less with themselves and the
people
 around them. And
then
 it doesn't even come down to
stess
Correct your spelling
stress
. For Shinung, the
government
 should
also
 pay
attention
 to
people
's free
time
. In short, the
government
 should pay equal
attention
 to both. He should pay more
attention
 to his free
time
. If I don't, there may be a lot of conflict between
people
.
Submitted by ieltsteaching0 on

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Task Achievement
The essay does not fully address the prompt, as it largely focuses on the importance of leisure activities rather than discussing whether more money should be spent on them than on education. It would be important to explicitly discuss the extent to which the government should prioritize leisure activities over education.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction lacks a clear expression of the writer's opinion and the overall structure and coherence of the essay could be improved. While the writer presents some relevant points, they are not systematically developed and the essay lacks a clear conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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