IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.

#celebrities #glamour #wealth #achievements #sets #people
Many famous
people
 are well-known for their glamour and rich
instead
 of their achievements in society;
thus
, some
people
 would argue that it could
make
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a negative effect on the youth generation.
This
 essay completely agrees with the statement above because of toxic things like smoking and sometimes they could extend the wrong information affecting teenagers’
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. First and foremost, well-known
people
 could affect negatively the young generations through their lifestyles. It means that some humans could follow their favourite superstars to tattoo their faces or use illicit drugs when they are inspired by their idols through social media.
For example
, many teenagers have a trend to use drugs like vape, cocaine, and alcohol when they see their famous singers and celebrities using them on live streams without thinking about the effects.
Furthermore
, numerous celebrities can lead to misunderstanding among the youth generation.
That is
 to say, some famous humans didn’t focus on their studies, but they were still successful, and it
also
 means that their fans could unexpectedly raise awareness of the wrong information that they can
also
 be wealthy without studying.
For instance
, Bill Gates mentioned
this
 problem in his speech many years ago about how he felt regret when he expanded the wrong knowledge about studying in an unexpected way that he’s a billionaire, even dropping out of school. In conclusion, some well-known
people
 could affect children in an unexpected or expected way because of their wealth and lifestyle
instead
 of their contributions in life. I strongly agree
about
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
 statement because the spreading of the Internet could follow with many potential risks like illegal drugs and wrong information from superstars.
Submitted by halenguyenkhanh2005 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay addresses the topic and takes a clear position. However, the ideas lack development and the examples are not effectively linked to the main points.
coherence and cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is a lack of cohesive devices to link the ideas and paragraphs together.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • glamour
  • wealth
  • achievements
  • portrayed
  • overshadow
  • influenced
  • lifestyles
  • unrealistic
  • expectations
  • values
  • promoting
  • hard work
  • perseverance
  • inspire
  • positive impact
What to do next:
Look at other essays: