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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?

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Introduction
Some people argue that video
games
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 are a useful form of content for education and create fun without spending energy. Others think the opposite. In my opinion, I think that if gamers are mature enough to have time control, digital ways of entertainment can potentially have benefits.They can generate violence and anger in the attitude of minors. But if well managed, that gratification can be useful.
Body paragraph 1
The world of video
games
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 touches a large number of people, both young and adult. And it is when producers create war
games
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 that
this
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 fulfilment starts to become a problem, especially for minors. With the growth of media, violent video
games
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 are easier to reach , and they make no exception for children. As a matter of fact, children are much more used to playing fighting
games
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 that can create trauma and anger.
For example
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, a boy aged 11 who starts watching and playing war
games
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 can become shocked by pictures and videos easily.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, there is not only war
games
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. Content like an escape game , which requires imagination, can have opposite effects. With social media and especially the scroll, adolescent can lose their creativity because they are watching and not doing things.
By contrast
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,
games
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 like Minecraft develop the creativity in the right side of the brain.
For instance
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, an adolescent playing Minecraft will develop curiosity in real life wich come from playing on a computer.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, depending on the subject of the content, they can have different effects on the user. It can create a loss of sensibilisation , but it
also
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 allows some children to generate a constant creativity
that is
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 really helpful in daily life. I personally think that we have to be more in control of the consumers of these ways of entertainment. It can be done with AI.

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task response
Give a more direct answer in the first paragraph. Say clearly if the bad points are more important than the good points, and keep this view through the essay.
task response
Explain why each point matters. For example, say how much game time, what type of games, and why these may harm children or help them learn.
task response
Your examples are helpful, but make them more real and clear. The example of the 11-year-old boy needs more detail, and the Minecraft example should explain what skills he may use in daily life.
task response
The final idea about AI is new and is not explained. Either explain how it can help parents control game use, or leave it out and restate your main view.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear plan: first give your view, then write one paragraph about harm, one about benefits, and end by weighing the two sides.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Use simple words such as 'However', 'For example', 'As a result', and 'In contrast' only when the next sentence clearly follows.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same key words. Use 'video games' or 'games' instead of changing to less clear words such as 'content', 'fulfilment', and 'gratification'.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph start with one clear main idea. Some sentences move away from the point, such as the part about social media scrolling.
task response
You discuss both the bad and good sides of video games, and you give a clear general view that control is important.
task response
You use relevant examples, including war games and Minecraft, to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear beginning, two main body paragraphs, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use contrast words such as 'However' and 'By contrast' to show different views.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive skills
  • problem-solving
  • strategic thinking
  • multiplayer games
  • social skills
  • teamwork
  • communication
  • collaboration
  • interactive learning
  • gaming addiction
  • academic performance
  • violence desensitization
  • aggressive behavior
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • health issues
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