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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?

#people #video #games #fun #tool #videos #effect
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Many people think that
Use synonyms
videogames
Correct your spelling
video games
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 are useless, addictive and bad for health,
while
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 others
deffend
Correct your spelling
defend
defended
 the idea that these games can be harmless fun and even a very interesting educational tool. In my opinion, a balance between these two ideas would be the best option.
Videogames
Use synonyms
 are a very controversial element in our times
due to
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 a tendency to become addicted to
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
,
this
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 happens more often in young people who do not have a limit imposed by their parents.
In addition
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,
this
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 addiction is very
releated
Correct your spelling
related
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school failure because some kids prefer to spend all the evening playing online games before
than
Replace the word
then
show examples
 studying for an exam. An Uruguayan psychologist named José María Giménez, affirms that 8 out of 10 kids who play
Use synonyms
videogames
Correct your spelling
video games
show examples
 are addicted and 50% of these students have bad grades at school. Even if it is very common to criticize
Use synonyms
videogames
Correct your spelling
video games
show examples
, they can be a help for some people. A large part of the population
enjoy
Correct subject-verb agreement
enjoys
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 playing
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
electronic games, it helps them to forget their problems for a
little
Correct word choice
short
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 period of time and distract from everyday life and its routines.
Furthermore
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, it helps children to increase their concentration and coordination skills, it makes them stay
focus
Wrong verb form
focused
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 on a thing and helps to amuse them.
For instance
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, a study from the Psychology University of Alabama says that 80% of children
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 play with them are much happier than the others.
To conclude
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, there are many opinions about
this
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 topic but
personally
Add a comma
personally,
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 I think that the best option is to use
this
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 tool in a moderate way.
Submitted by santos_dij on

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task response
Ensure that every main point is effectively supported by relevant details or examples.
coherence cohesion
Improve the consistency of the connections between ideas and paragraphs to enhance logical flow.
task response
The essay clearly introduces the topic and presents a balanced view, discussing both the potential harms and benefits of video games.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and provides a personal opinion, which aligns with the overall argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-crafted, providing a clear overview and a cohesive summary of the essay's argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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