IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Most developed countries spend a large proportion of their health budgets on expensive medical technology and procedures.This money should be spent instead on health education to keep people well. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#countries #proportion #health #budgets #technology #procedures #money #education #people
Nowsaday
Correct your spelling
Nowadays
,many developed countries generally invest in more sophisticated medical
techonology
Correct your spelling
technology
 and procedures rather than
health
 education.
Although
 both subjects are quite important, there will have various views among
people
 on which ones to be spent when comparing against each other and setting the national budget. First of all, the purpose of spending the
health
 budget is to keep the citizens fit and healthy.
Due to
 the popularity and effectiveness of advanced
technology
 and enhanced procedures,
people
 are more interested in doing experiments and testing those essential
health care
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
 techs and procedures
although
 resulting
a
Change preposition
in a
show examples
vast amount of money spent. In terms of considering long terms benefits, spending on
technology
 can save
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cost in future because successful
technology
 can save
people
time
 and labour by finding out the source of diseases and effective medicine and machine to cure
on
Correct pronoun usage
them on
show examples
time
.Some
technology
 can perform the things which
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 cannot be able to do manually
such
 as brain surgery. Even
humans
Correct word choice
if humans
show examples
 are capable to perform, it will involve more risks.
On the other hand
, performing research can be costly and it is required a lot of
time
 and effort of
people
.
Additionally
,not all
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
experiments can be successful at one
time
 in reality and they are more likely to try trials and errors more than once.Some basic and common problems can be
sloved
Correct your spelling
solved
 by promoting
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 awareness and getting
people
 educated in terms of
health
 problems
such
 as obesity. It is compulsory to do for the nation to have the citizen's
health
 awareness to keep
in
Correct pronoun usage
them in
show examples
 their best condition.
For instance
, the majority of
people
 are having weight more than healthy BMI in
US
Correct article usage
the US
show examples
 which is a developed country. To overcome
this
 issue,
people
 need
knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
show examples
 and education to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise and reduce the consumption of fast food. In conclusion, I strongly agree that developed countries should spend more on
health
 education by considering
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the majority of
people
's problems.
Submitted by khinezinthant.choo on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: