IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries, it is illegal for companies to reject job applicants for their age. Is this a positive or negative development?

#countries #companies #job #applicants #age #development
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The bar
chart
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 and pie
chart
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 provide information about the proportion of citizens regarding education level based on
age
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 and gender in Glasgow Scotland for the year 2010. From the bar
chart
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, we can see that
people
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 who attained
university
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 degrees recognized a decreasing trend with a growing
age
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, in which
people
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 from the
age
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 group of 24 to 35 received the highest proportion of obtaining a
university
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 degree at 76%. A similar trend can be seen for the attainment of school certificates, only 3% of
such
Linking Words
 certifications were contributed by citizens aged 75 and above,
whereas
Linking Words
 individuals of other
age
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 groups achieved from 15% to 20% in 2020.
In contrast
Linking Words
, only 9% of residents from
age
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 sectors aged below 50 had no qualifications
whereas
Linking Words
 the figure saw a dramatic increase of 30% and 72% respectively for
people
Use synonyms
 aged between 50 and 75 and above. From the pie
chart
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, we can see that both gender types received an equal percentage of 33% of citizens with school certificates,
whereas
Linking Words
 women with no qualification was a mere 3% higher than
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
men.
Moreover
Linking Words
, 29% of women and 32% of men obtained a degree from
university
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.
Overall
Linking Words
,
people
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 aged between 24 and 35 recognized the highest percentage of receiving a
university
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 degree and that they
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 more likely to be men.
Submitted by jiayihan4 on

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task response
The essay provides a clear response to the task, with relevant examples and ideas. However, be mindful of the logical structure and ensure that the introduction and conclusion cover all key points.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is generally sound, but there are areas where coherence could be improved. Ensure that the introduction and conclusion are fully present and that the main points are well-supported throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • age diversity
  • combat age discrimination
  • job opportunities
  • experienced individuals
  • vast knowledge
  • suboptimal hiring decisions
  • legal compliance
  • reverse discrimination
  • operational costs
  • health insurance
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