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Band 5.5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages overweigh the disadvantages?

#technologies #children #time #overweigh
There is an irrefutable fact that the way
children
 spend their leisure
time
 has been changed by state-of-the-art
technologies
.
While
 there are a number of drawbacks
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 trend, I am of the opinion that
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
show examples
 are greater. Relaxing in
free
Correct pronoun usage
their free
show examples
time
 via using technological devices have the
possibilities
Fix the agreement mistake
possibility
show examples
 of affecting
children
’s health in many factors
especially
Add the comma(s)
,especially
show examples
 with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
eyes
Change the noun form
eye
show examples
 problems. Spending much
time
 sticking
eyes
Correct pronoun usage
their eyes
show examples
 on screens means that their eyes have to work harder and drier than usual which contributes to short-sightedness.
For
instance
Add a comma
,instance
show examples
 most kids in the present have the tendency of watching online
video
Fix the agreement mistake
videos
show examples
 at home
instead
 of going out and doing some outdoor activities. A survey taken by FTU
university
Correct your spelling
University
show examples
 in Vietnam has shown that there has been a significant increase in the number of
children
 who have short-sightedness recently.
On the other hand
, new
technologies
 play a vital role in helping
children
 improve their technological basic skills. Since when
children
 use cutting-edge devices regularly as recreational activities, they find it is easier to practice these skills, which helps them much in their future
occupation
Fix the agreement mistake
occupations
show examples
 as now we are living in the era of information technology development.
For
example
Add a comma
,example
show examples
 it can be easy to be seen that in the current society, many
children
 are able to use computers proficiently. Many people at a very young age like 6-7 year-old
children
 are capable of using technological equipment better than adults.
Furthermore
, using
technologies
 in leisure
time
 can be beneficial to
children
 in education.
Technologies
 have made it more convenient for kids to access information that they need for the subjects that they find interesting in discovering. They are able to use search
machine
Fix the agreement mistake
machines
show examples
 to get access to educational apps online
such
 as Duoling - a language learning app so as to broaden their knowledge and foster passion for learning. In conclusion,
although
 technological advances can sometimes affect
children
’s health, I hold the belief that the benefits are greater as they help
children
 find learning more enjoyable.
Submitted by joyce.ta213 on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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