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Band 3

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better to encourage them to spend more time outside playing sports and games. Do you agree or disagree?

#children #computers #entertainment #time #sports #games
Nowadays
children
 are too dependent on computers and electronic devices
of
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apply
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which
is
Change the verb form
are
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 bad habits.
This
 limits their
mind set
Correct your spelling
mindset
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 and knowledge. They dependent on these buggies which is wrong.
Therefore
 sports and games are great things to introduce to our
children
 because
this
 keeps them in a healthy body and the brain functions better. Most
of
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apply
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children
Add an article
the children
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 are obese
cause
Correct word choice
because
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 they
not
Add a missing verb
are not
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 active what they do is sit back and focus on their computers and electronic entertainment.
This
also
 leads to many
healthy
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health
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 problems
such
 as
eye sight
Correct your spelling
eyesight
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 disease on looking
to
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at
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 the computer for a long period of time.
Also
 causes back pain by sitting down for a long day.
Children
 who spend time outdoors playing different activities learn more about other people's cultures. They even understand other nations who have different backgrounds from them. They communicate with others with confidence unlike those who spend more time on computers. In
conclusion
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,conclusion
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 I greatly agree to encourage
children
 to take part in more
outdoors
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outdoor
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 activities because
this
 helps them in
development
Correct pronoun usage
their development
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 and confidence
when ever
Correct your spelling
whenever
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 they meet challenges unlike those who are always
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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alone, playing with
computer
Add an article
the computer
a computer
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,
Correct word choice
and
show examples
electronic games and most of them are
lay
Wrong verb form
laid
show examples
 down.
Submitted by isabeldube30 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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