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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did a regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did a regular physical activity in 2010.
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The bar chart gives information about the males and females of Australia in various
age
Use synonyms
 groups who engaged
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 physical activity regularly in 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be clearly seen that the number of
women
Use synonyms
 was always more than
men
Use synonyms
 except for the young
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the peak of
Correct article usage
the male's
show examples
male's
Change noun form
male
show examples
 percentage is reached by
men
Use synonyms
 in the 15 to 24
group
Use synonyms
, which is 52.8%.
Next
Correct article usage
The next
show examples
 groups (25-34) percentage-wise dropped dramatically to 42.2%. The lowest point was hit by
men
Use synonyms
 in the 35 to 44
group
Use synonyms
 which is 39.5%. After that, the number of males doing physical activity constantly go up steadily
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and finished with 46.7% being almost the
women
Use synonyms
's rate. It is reached by the
men
Use synonyms
 in
65
Correct article usage
the 65
show examples
 and over
group
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
's rate shows some fluctuations in different
age
Use synonyms
 groups. Started
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
47.7%
Use synonyms
women
Change preposition
of women
show examples
 in 15 to 24 ages. Afterwards, it rose slightly to 48.9%
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the
women
Use synonyms
 in the 25 to 34
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
.
Then
Linking Words
, grew steadily to 53.3%, which is reached by the female in the 45 to 54
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
.
Then
Linking Words
 the
percentages
Fix the agreement mistake
percentage
show examples
 declined minimally to 53%, but it fell to 47.1% and hit the lowest point of the
female's
Change noun form
female
show examples
 rate.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, women, men, group with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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