IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Scientists advise people to lead a healthy lifestyle, but most people continue with unhealthy activities. Why do you think it is and what can do with it?

#scientists #people #lifestyle #activities
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The recommendations from many scientists suggest that
people
Use synonyms
 should have a healthy lifestyle, but most
people
Use synonyms
 prefer
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
unhealthy activities. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will identify
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
why individuals continue to do
like
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apply
show examples
that and how to persuade them to have better activities. First of all, in the modern lifestyle
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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everything seems to be
go
Change the form of the verb
going
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 fast,
Use synonyms
people
Correct word choice
and people
show examples
Add a missing verb
are addict
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addict
Replace the word
addicted
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 to
convenient
Replace the word
convenience
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. Fast foods are
most
Correct article usage
the most
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 favor to consume as it really quick and easy to find
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
In the
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The
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 study from
Correct article usage
the National
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National
Add a comma
National,
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 Nutrition
Institude
Correct your spelling
Institute
 reported that 99.99% of junk foods contain more calories and
full
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are full
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 of bad fat
while
Linking Words
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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also
Linking Words
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 less nutrition.
In addition
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, in the world-wide technology world,
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
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 spend a lot of time
to stay
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staying
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 on
the
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apply
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chair
Fix the agreement mistake
chairs
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that
Correct word choice
so that
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 they can easily enjoy
daily-life
Correct your spelling
daily life
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while
Linking Words
 scrolling the smartphone like watching movies, finding clothes, and connecting to everyone with social media. Those lifestyles can lead to serious health problems
such
Linking Words
 as heart disease, obesity, and diabetes. To reduce the bad lifestyles, the serious action provided by the government is very
importance
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important
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.
For example
Linking Words
, recently,
Canada
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Canada's
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 state launched
the
Correct article usage
a
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 tax policy that
rose
Verb problem
reduced
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 unhealthy goods, including foods, cigarettes, and
alcohol-drinking
Correct your spelling
alcohol drinking
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 and cut down
healthy
Correct article usage
the healthy
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 inventories tax. The pleasure results
shown
Wrong verb form
show
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 that over 85% of
Canadian
Fix the agreement mistake
Canadians
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 prefer to buy
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy products leading to significantly
reduce
Wrong verb form
reduced
show examples
 obesity and diabetes disease. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 the fast-paced world leads the most
people
Use synonyms
 to have
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
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 consequence lifestyle, it has a way to improve by educating
people
Use synonyms
 and
concentrated
Wrong verb form
concentrating
show examples
 action from government.
Submitted by amittawin on

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coherence cohesion
Try to improve sentence structures and pay attention to subject-verb agreement to enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
To achieve a higher score in coherence, ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and a smooth transition to the next.
task achievement
Make sure your examples are varied and directly relevant to your main points. This can strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Focus on providing more comprehensive ideas to fully address the question in a cohesive manner.
coherence cohesion
Good job on providing a clear introduction and conclusion, which help frame your arguments well.
task achievement
You have included relevant examples, like the Canada tax policy, which strengthens your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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