the pie charts show The percentage of the working day adults spend doing difference activities in a country in 1958 and 2008.

the pie charts show The percentage of the working day adults spend doing difference activities in a country in 1958 and 2008.
The pie graphs depict information about the proportion of days doing different activities in a specific country in 1958 and 2008
Overall
, the maximum percentage of adults spent
time
sleeping during their working days,
whereas
the minimum travelling to work and playing
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
or hobbies. In the year
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
1958, 32% of people preferred to
used
Change the verb
use
show examples
their
time
on sleeping, whilst it declined by 7% in the latter year. A difference was seen
6
Change preposition
at 6
show examples
% in both pie charts which humans utilize their
time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
commuting to jobs. The utilization of
time
period was 12% collectively in both years on other. Moving
further
,
in contrast
, 6% of
time
Add an article
the time
show examples
people went outside with their family members or peers for entertainment in 2008, whilst it was more than twofold in 1958. In the case of relaxing at home in
working
Add an article
the working
show examples
period of people was 8% and 13% in 1958 and 2008.
Lastly
, almost a third
time
used on working in the former year, but it increased by 9% in 2008.
Submitted by deepikanayyar1996 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words time with synonyms.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: