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Writing Samples
Band 6

The bar chart below shows information about heart attack by age and gender in the USA

The bar chart below shows information about heart attack by age and gender in the USA
#bar #information #heart #attack #age #gender #usa
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The chart illustrates the incidence of
heart
Use synonyms
 attacks
according to
Linking Words
 gender and
age
Use synonyms
 group (29-44, 45-64. 65 and above), in a year in the USA.
Overall
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 the chart, there was a
significant
Change the adjective
significantly
show examples
 higher incidence of
heart
Use synonyms
attack
Use synonyms
 in
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 compared to women, and the older the
age
Use synonyms
, the higher the risk of suffering from
heart
Use synonyms
attack
Use synonyms
. Apart from that, there was a large difference in gender predisposition in
middle group
Add a hyphen
middle-group
show examples
 people
suffered
Correct pronoun usage
who suffered
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 from that disease. With regards to
male
Add an article
the male
show examples
 gender, the number of people
suffered
Correct pronoun usage
who suffered
show examples
 from
Use synonyms
heart
Add an article
a heart
show examples
attack
Use synonyms
 was only 123
thousand
Use synonyms
 in those aged between 29-44, but the figure rose drastically to 424
thousand
Use synonyms
 in
45
Correct article usage
the 45
show examples
-64
age
Use synonyms
 group, which
then
Linking Words
 increased
further
Linking Words
 and reach a peak of 440
thousand
Use synonyms
 in elderly over 65 years of
age
Use synonyms
. In
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
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 of women, the number of young
adult
Change to a plural noun
adults
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 below 44
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
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 old that had
heart
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
attack
Fix the agreement mistake
attacks
show examples
 in that year was
lowest
Correct article usage
the lowest
show examples
, at only 3
thousand
Use synonyms
. The number
then
Linking Words
 rocketed to 136
thousand
Use synonyms
 in those aged 45-64 and
further
Linking Words
 went up to more than double in elderly women.
Submitted by emgmei on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "according to, further".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words heart, age, attack, thousand with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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