The bar chart below shows information about heart attack by age and gender in the USA

The bar chart below shows information about heart attack by age and gender in the USA
The chart illustrates the incidence of
heart
attacks
according to
gender and
age
group (29-44, 45-64. 65 and above), in a year in the USA.
Overall
,
according to
the chart, there was a
significant
Change the adjective
significantly
show examples
higher incidence of
heart
attack
in
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
compared to women, and the older the
age
, the higher the risk of suffering from
heart
attack
. Apart from that, there was a large difference in gender predisposition in
middle group
Add a hyphen
middle-group
show examples
people
suffered
Correct pronoun usage
who suffered
show examples
from that disease. With regards to
male
Add an article
the male
show examples
gender, the number of people
suffered
Correct pronoun usage
who suffered
show examples
from
heart
Add an article
a heart
show examples
attack
was only 123
thousand
in those aged between 29-44, but the figure rose drastically to 424
thousand
in
45
Correct article usage
the 45
show examples
-64
age
group, which
then
increased
further
and reach a peak of 440
thousand
in elderly over 65 years of
age
. In
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
show examples
of women, the number of young
adult
Change to a plural noun
adults
show examples
below 44
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
old that had
heart
attack
Fix the agreement mistake
attacks
show examples
in that year was
lowest
Correct article usage
the lowest
show examples
, at only 3
thousand
. The number
then
rocketed to 136
thousand
in those aged 45-64 and
further
went up to more than double in elderly women.
Submitted by emgmei on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "according to, further".
Vocabulary: Replace the words heart, age, attack, thousand with synonyms.
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: