The diagram below shows how rain water is collected and then treated to be used as drinking water in an Australian town. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagram below shows how rain water is collected and then treated to be used as drinking water in an Australian town. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
The diagram below describe
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
how
rain
Correct your spelling
rainwater
show examples
water
is collected and
then
treated to be used as drinking
water
in an Australian town.There are different equipment for collecting
rain
Correct your spelling
rainwater
show examples
water
and treated drinking
water
.(four houses,two tanks,
water
filter
and some pipes for
transmit
Change the verb form
transmitting
show examples
the
water
).
Overall
,the diagram
illustrate
Change the verb form
illustrates
show examples
that,
firstly
we need to
rain
all of
this
proces
Correct your spelling
process
.The
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
which help us for collecting and
treated
Wrong verb form
treating
show examples
to be used as drinking
water
are like
ring
Add an article
a ring
the ring
show examples
and
this
is not
closed
Add an article
a closed
show examples
system.
Firstly
the
rain
Correct your spelling
rainwater
show examples
water
down to the roof of
house
Add an article
the house
a house
show examples
and through the pipes
transmitted
Add a missing verb
is transmitted
show examples
to
water
Add an article
the water
a water
show examples
filter
.The
water
filter
is
essencial
Correct your spelling
essential
apparatus,because there are some dirty chemicals in the rainwater and the
water
filter
help us
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
clean these chemicals.After filtered
water
pass to
pipes
Correct article usage
the pipes
show examples
and visit to the tanks,there are 2 tanks,
first
Change the article
the first
show examples
tank
is
storage
Correct article usage
a storage
show examples
tank
.and after the
water
transmitted
Add a missing verb
is transmitted
show examples
to
water
Correct article usage
the water
show examples
treatment
tank
and some chemical
proces
Correct your spelling
processes
happen in
this
tank
.
Finally
drinking
water
is ready.
Submitted by Ayan on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "firstly".
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 85%.
Vocabulary: Replace the words rain, water, filter, tank with synonyms.
Vocabulary: Only 3 basic words for charts were used.
Vocabulary: The word "diagram" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: