IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some countries have legal ages at which people can drink. Other countries believe not having strict laws is a better policy. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#countries #ages #people #drink #laws #policy
It is true that many nations have a limited age
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 drinking
while
 others think it is unnecessary to have
laws
. In my opinion, making
laws
 for drinking
alcohol
 is better. On the one hand, there are several reasons why some
people
 believe that the government should not push
laws
 on
alcohol
.
Firstly
, there are other ways to educate young children who are under 18
such
 as using educational videos or learning from school.
Secondly
, sometimes strong
laws
 are not working as education can be an alternative to take them away from
alcohol
.
Lastly
,
although
 there are strict
laws
 in the world, a lot of pupils do not follow them.
This
 is why nowadays the crime rate of drinking
alcohol
 is rapidly growing.
On the other hand
, in my opinion, the government and authorities should make rules for them. One of the main reasons can be that without strong rules it can have a harmful impact on the younger generation.
This
 is because children do not have the ability to distinguish right from wrong so sometimes they break the rule without purpose. So making rules
such
 as giving penalties to them should be work. Another reason is that drinking cocktails under the age of 18 is harmful to young
people
.
Thus
, there are a huge amount of articles and reports on why
people
 should not drink when they are young. In conclusion,
while
people
 think making a strong rule of drinking for young
people
 is not working, I am convinced that it is necessary in our society.
Submitted by kim88974150 on

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task response
Task Response: The essay provides a clear discussion of both sides of the issue and presents a clear opinion. However, the introduction and conclusion could be more developed and the response could be more comprehensive.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay shows a logical structure, with some well-supported main points. However, the introduction and conclusion are underdeveloped, and the overall structure could be improved for better coherence and cohesion.
lexical resource
Lexical Resource: There is some variety in vocabulary usage, but more diverse and precise vocabulary could be used to enhance the essay.
grammatical range
Grammatical Range: The essay demonstrates a range of grammatical structures and shows some control of complex sentences. However, more varied and accurate use of grammar and punctuation would elevate the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Legal drinking age
  • Underage drinking
  • Health repercussions
  • Addiction
  • Drunk-driving
  • Responsible drinking
  • Forbidden fruit
  • Social rituals
  • Public health
  • Safety framework
  • Risks of alcohol
  • Cultural differences
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