Some people believe that it is better for a nation’s economy if students study science and technology rather than other subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Choosing STEM
subjects
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to boost a nation’s
economy
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is a controversial issue today.
While
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STEM
subjects
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are vital for growth, I believe other
subjects
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are equally essential for the growth of the
economy
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.
Furthermore
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, I partially agree that choosing STEM
subjects
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can lead
the
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to the
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economic development of the country. There are a few reasons to support my views.
To begin
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with, science and
technology
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lead to automation and efficiency.
For example
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, entrepreneurs like Elon Musk created SpaceX, Tesla, and OpenAI. These kinds of companies can drive innovation by creating new ideas and methods that can help our
society
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to become more efficient and convenient.
Also
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, countries with high-end
technology
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often attract more sponsorship and investment in areas like AI or green energy.
This
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shows that technological advancement leads to more benefits and opportunities. With more opportunities, countries that have advanced
technology
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often create large economic benefits.
On the other hand
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, other
subjects
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are
also
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necessary for balancing the
economy
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and
society
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.
For example
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, studying law, psychology, and management acts as the "glue" to make
society
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and businesses run normally.
Besides
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that, art, media, and sports can
also
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generate billions of dollars.
For instance
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, students studying sports management may host a range of sporting events like Formula 1, the NBA, or the FIFA World Cup. These kinds of events can produce a sufficient amount of profit.
This
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shows that studying different
subjects
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not only helps the
economy
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to grow but
also
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keeps
society
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running smoothly. In conclusion, I partially agree that STEM
subjects
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can lead a country to become technologically advanced and attract various investments that can boost the
economy
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.
However
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, other
subjects
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like business, social science, and media are
also
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essential for the community.
Moreover
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, these fields can support
society
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to become balanced. It is known that
technology
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and science are among the most efficient ways to make a profit;
however
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, a nation needs other
subjects
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to create a functional
society
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. A thriving
economy
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requires creativity and a diverse workforce;
therefore
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, different
subjects
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should be studied in order to make the
economy
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more progressive.

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task response
Make your main view more clear. You say other subjects are equally important, but then you say you partially agree. Pick one line and keep it all through the essay.
task response
Give one or two more direct ideas about why other subjects help the economy. This will make your answer more full.
task response
Some examples are good, but a few are too wide or not fully linked to students. Explain more clearly how these examples support your point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end. To make it stronger, make each topic sentence more direct and closer to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. Words like 'furthermore' and 'on the other hand' should match the exact meaning of the sentence.
coherence and cohesion
A few ideas repeat in the conclusion. Try to avoid saying the same point again in different words.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give your own view.
task response
Your examples about technology, sport, and media help show your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each paragraph has one main focus.
coherence and cohesion
You have both an introduction and a conclusion, and both fit the topic.
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