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Band 4.5

The most important consideration when choosing any career or job is having a high income. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.

#consideration #career #job #income #reason
Every day we face plenty of uncertainties in our
life
 including the confusion to pick the profession for our
future
 careers. There are some words out there that we need to seek our
passion
 to be more
success
Replace the word
successful
show examples
.
While
 there are plenty of
people
 who
are agree
Change the verb form
agree
show examples
 with
this
 opinion,
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
 occasion, I would speak
my
Change preposition
about my
show examples
 disagreement
over
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
 idea. I believe that for
future
 jobs,
people
needs
Change the verb form
need
show examples
 to consider
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
industries
 that
offers
Change the verb form
offer
show examples
 higher income over
passion
.
While
 some
people
tends
Change the verb form
tend
show examples
 to
pursued
Change the verb
pursue
show examples
 their
career
further
 towards their
passion
such
 as
art
Correct article usage
the art
show examples
industry
, I
am convince
Change the verb form
am convinced
show examples
 that we
also
needs
Change the verb form
need
show examples
 to
realized
Wrong verb form
realise
show examples
 that some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
industries
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 not worth
to pursue
Change the verb form
pursuing
show examples
further
 for
future
Add an article
a future
show examples
career
, and
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
occasion
Add a comma
,occasion
show examples
 I will take art
industry
 as an example. Indonesia is lucky to have plenty of creative
people
, here there are several
people
 who rely their
life
 towards
this
industry
. Throughout the years,
art
Correct article usage
the art
show examples
industry
 offers several
artist
Change to a plural noun
artists
show examples
 that has been succeed
such
 as Andre Taulany and Sule,
however
, there are more
people
 that are suffers a lot in
this
industry
 and cannot
gave
Change the verb form
give
show examples
 better
life
 to their
future
life
 and their family wealth
also
due to
 limited of money.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
contrary
Correct article usage
the contrary
show examples
, consulting
industries
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
widely known as boring
industries
offers
Correct subject-verb agreement
offer
show examples
 a lot of benefits
especially
Add the comma(s)
,especially
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
wages. Over 100 years of
Indonesia
Correct your spelling
Indonesian
show examples
independency
Correct your spelling
independence
show examples
, there are numerous
people
 who later became ministry and
CEO’s
Change noun form
CEOs
show examples
 in private
entity
Fix the agreement mistake
entities
show examples
 and state-owned
enterprise
Fix the agreement mistake
enterprises
show examples
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
came from
this
industry
. Their nuclear family
life
 can be increased through the education that comes from the wages of
this
career
.
To conclude
,
although
 catching your
passion
 in the
industry
 can offer happiness in
life
, choosing a
future
career
 in an
industry
 that
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 higher payroll can increase not only our
life
 quality but
also
 our family.
Submitted by nadiasyifaa on

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    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
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    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
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    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
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