IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 1

persentage of physial activity of men and women during the year 2010 in Australia

#persentage #activity #men #women #year #australia
47,007
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 took exercises
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the youngest
age
 category
while
there
Replace the word
their
show examples
 activity went up steadily with increasing
age
, reaching its peak of 53.3%
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
45
Correct article usage
the 45
show examples
 to 54
age
group
.
Thereafter
, it started to drop with increasing
age
 achieving 47.1% at the highest
age
group
.
In
contrast
Add a comma
,contrast
show examples
 men manifested
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
more physical activeness during their teenage years with 53.3% or the highest in relation to all the
age
 brackets. After that, their physical activity level revealed gradual declination with
lowest
Correct article usage
the lowest
show examples
 39.9 at the
age
group
 of 35 to 44 years.
However
,
trend
Add an article
the trend
show examples
 took
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 upward path
afterward
Change the spelling
afterwards
show examples
 to reach 4 to 6.7% among
65
Correct article usage
the 65
show examples
 over
age
group
. Anyhow, both men and women during the year 2010 engaged
more
Change preposition
in more
show examples
 or less equal physical activity at the oldest
age
 category of above 65 years
Submitted by dinaka0001 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: