IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city over a six-month period in 2011.

The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city over a six-month period in 2011.
Currently, there are several ingredients that can create addictions in the
people
Use synonyms
 that consumed it,
for example
Linking Words
, alcohol, tobacco, drugs, and
sugar
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
 others are labelled as bad materials and there are already policies to control these elements,
sugar
Use synonyms
 is still out of the law.
People
Use synonyms
 tend to make a motion to reduce
sugar
Use synonyms
 intake by increasing the price of goods that contain
sugar
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 there are still arguments over
this
Linking Words
, I agree that the idea to make food or drink higher is the correct way. The more
sugar
Use synonyms
 we consume, the riskier for us to get
diabetes
Use synonyms
. Nowadays,
diabetes
Use synonyms
 is one of the diseases that creates a lot of patients and makes the government become more suffer.
For example
Linking Words
, all Indonesian
people
Use synonyms
 are covered by the national
health
Use synonyms
 insurance. With more
people
Use synonyms
 coming to the hospital for their
diabetes
Use synonyms
, the more they need to spend on the
health
Use synonyms
 of their
people
Use synonyms
. If foods or drinks that contain higher
sugar
Use synonyms
 is charged more, the money can go to the
health
Use synonyms
 funds to give subsidy for other illness. Based on medical research,
diabetes
Use synonyms
 is one of the disorders that can create complications to other infections. As the blood gets thicker
due to
Linking Words
 high concentrations of
sugar
Use synonyms
, the bloodstream will have trouble going from one organ to the others. With
this
Linking Words
 in mind, several
health
Use synonyms
 issues
such
Linking Words
 as heart attack and stroke are very likely to happen.
Due to
Linking Words
 many possibilities of complications, products that contain plenty of
sugar
Use synonyms
 need to be disciplined by applying extra charges.
This
Linking Words
 situation already occurs in Thailand and
diabetes
Use synonyms
 patients over 10 years are decreasing.
To conclude
Linking Words
, I agree that items that have a dense composition of
sugar
Use synonyms
 need to be regulated by providing extra charges to the clients.
This
Linking Words
 step needs to be taken to decrease the cash outflow from the insurance and decrease
diabetes
Use synonyms
 mellitus patients throughout the years.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "due to, for example".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, sugar, diabetes, health with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 3 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • enquiries
  • Tourist Information Office
  • in person
  • by letter/email
  • by telephone
  • general trend
  • six-month period
  • significant increase
  • steady rise
  • decline
  • peak
  • fluctuations
  • monthly data
  • comparison
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