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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart and table below give information about what nursing graduates did after finishing their course in the UK in 2009

The chart and table below give information about what nursing graduates did after finishing their course in the UK in 2009
the pie
chart
Use synonyms
 mentioned
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
first illustrated the place where
nurse
Use synonyms
graduates
Use synonyms
 in surveyed in the UK in 2009
while
Linking Words
 the table listed the figure
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
Use synonyms
nurse
Add an article
a nurse
the nurse
show examples
 working in a specific
health
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sector
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. Generally speaking, in the first
chart
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, most students
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
majored in working in
Use synonyms
health
Add an article
the health
show examples
sector
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 in the second
chart
Use synonyms
, hospital
Use synonyms
nurse
Fix the agreement mistake
nurses
show examples
 accounted for the highest proportion of
Use synonyms
nurse
Fix the agreement mistake
nurses
show examples
 in the
health
Use synonyms
sector
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, when the pie
chart
Use synonyms
 of
Correct article usage
the destination
show examples
destination
Fix the agreement mistake
destinations
show examples
 of nursing
graduates
Use synonyms
 in the UK in 2009 is taken into consideration, it is seen that most of
Use synonyms
nurses
Add an article
the nurses
show examples
 after graduation
working
Wrong verb form
worked
show examples
 in
Use synonyms
health
Add an article
the health
show examples
sector
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
84%.
In contrast
Linking Words
, only 2%
Use synonyms
graduates
Change preposition
of graduates
show examples
working
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
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 other fields and studying
further
Linking Words
, accounting for the lowest section in the
chart
Use synonyms
. Particularly, the figure for
nurses
Use synonyms
 working and studying (8%) is 4 times as high as these unemployed (2%). On the order hand, looking
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the second
chart
Use synonyms
 illustrating
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the rate in
specific
Add an article
the specific
show examples
health
Use synonyms
sector
Use synonyms
, we can see that
hospital
Correct article usage
the hospital
show examples
 is the place in which
nurses
Use synonyms
 went
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the most at 72.9%, nearly three fourth of the
chart
Use synonyms
 .
In
Change the preposition
On
show examples
 the contrary, it is witnessed that only 0.4%
nursing
Change preposition
of nursing
show examples
graduates
Use synonyms
 joined mental
Use synonyms
nurse
Fix the agreement mistake
nurses
show examples
. Particularly,
while
Linking Words
 1.3% became paramedic
nurses
Use synonyms
 and 2.7% chose other careers, made up below 5% of the
chart
Use synonyms
, 10.3% worked as community
Use synonyms
nurse
Fix the agreement mistake
nurses
show examples
 and midwives stood up as the second place in the
chart
Use synonyms
 (12.4%), both accounting above 10% in the
chart
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words chart, nurse, graduates, health, sector, nurses with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 10 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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