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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The diagram below shows the average hours of unpaid work per week done by people in different categories. (Unpaid work refers to such activities as childcare in the home, housework and gardening.)

The diagram below shows the average hours of unpaid work per week done by people in different categories. (Unpaid work refers to such activities as childcare in the home, housework and gardening.)
The graph and table illustrate detailed information about the volunteer
work
Use synonyms
 at
home
Use synonyms
 done by
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
.
Overall
Linking Words
, the graph shows that
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 spend more
hours
Use synonyms
 working on household
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 compare to
men
Use synonyms
,
similarly
Linking Words
 the table describes how
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 are more proficient in taking care of the house and
children
Use synonyms
. Looking at the
hours
Use synonyms
 spent by
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
, mothers with
children
Use synonyms
 spent much more amount of time
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
working at
home
Use synonyms
, around 50 to nearly 60
hours
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 every week. Meanwhile,
women
Use synonyms
 without
children
Use synonyms
work
Use synonyms
 only around 30
hours
Use synonyms
 every week.
However
Linking Words
, the number of
hours
Use synonyms
 spent by
men
Use synonyms
 with or without
children
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remain
Correct subject-verb agreement
remains
show examples
 constant,
under
Change preposition
with under
show examples
 20
hours
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
spent on household
work
Use synonyms
. Moving on to the type of
work
Use synonyms
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 at
home
Use synonyms
,
women
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 are better
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 dealing with housework
such
Linking Words
 as cleaning, cooking, and taking care of the
children
Use synonyms
.
Women
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 share 25%
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
either clean the entire house
and
Correct word choice
or
show examples
 cooking,
while
Linking Words
men
Use synonyms
 only share 20%
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the same
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the proportion of looking after
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 is 35% for
women
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, which is 20% higher than the
men
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. Since
women
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 mainly focus on the household job,
men
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 proved to be very handy in gardening or mechanical
work
Use synonyms
.
Men
Use synonyms
 do 20%
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 gardening,
while
Linking Words
women
Use synonyms
 only
10
Add a missing verb
do 10
show examples
%.
Additionally
Linking Words
, most
men
Use synonyms
 spend around 30% of their time
to fix
Change the verb form
fixing
show examples
 cars, furniture, and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
electronic devices at
home
Use synonyms
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words work, home, hours, men, children, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • distribution
  • demographics
  • household responsibilities
  • societal expectations
  • norms
  • childcare
  • housework
  • gardening
  • contributions
  • family structure
  • cultural implications
  • social implications
  • work-life balance
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