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Band 7

Individual greed and selfishness have been the basis of the modern society. Some people think that we must return to the older and more traditional values of respect for the family and the local community in order to create a better world to live in.

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Today, the luxury lifestyle has affected humans’ living conditions fundamentally.
While
 in the past traditional rules were a major base for many communities, now
people
 consider money as a priority. Some believe that our ancestors had a better living situation, and I firmly agree with them. Undeniably, now personal factors have become the first choice for many
people
 living across the world. One obvious example is that young
people
 have less respect for elders. Thinking solely of the benefits, juveniles less value their parents’ attitudes compared to the past.
For instance
, to select their marriage partner, the former youth considered their parents’ opinions more than now,
whereas
 now they have become more selfish and do not value their parents’ experience.
In addition
, the more they live without their parent’s assistance, the more they feel confident.
This
 means, selfishness has led young to have more independence when it comes to the selection of their study subject,
while
 they were more under the control of their parents in
this
 matter before.
In contrast
, considering traditions can be more helpful in any aspect of life, and I agree with
this
 view. One important factor is that the rate of crime can be decreased far dramatically. Unfortunately, to make more profit, individuals follow rules less than before, and fraud rates have considerably increased.
However
, if they had considered the moral aspects being valued in the past, they would not have crossed the line. Another factor is that emotionally
people
 will have a better supportive condition. Clearly, traditions induce citizens to support their relatives or friends. In conclusion, humans have become less dependent on their family and community. I believe that the benefits earned by
this
 method of living have become less obvious than the traditional one our ancestors had. I personally believe that not only the rate of violence will decrease, but
people
 will be backed up by each other emotionally.
Submitted by aim7lva on

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task response
Overall, the essay addresses the prompt effectively by discussing the impact of luxury lifestyle on traditional values and the importance of returning to older values of respect for family and community. However, some examples could be more specific and the connection between personal factors and traditional values could be further developed.
coherence and cohesion
The essay demonstrates a clear and logical structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing the negative impact of personal factors on traditional values and the benefits of traditional values, and a conclusion. Transitions between paragraphs could be improved to enhance coherence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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