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Band 5.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
It is argued that quite a few
children
 spend many hours looking at their smartphone screens every day.
This
 phenomenon occurs within specific social contexts, and I believe it constitutes a negative development. On the one hand, there are several reasons why
this
 is the case. In the first place,
smartphones
 have become a modern-day pacifier. As these babies grow older, they become accustomed to looking at the screens, often without realizing that
this
 behaviour has become a habit and may develop into an addiction. In the second place,
children
 use
smartphones
 extensively because they offer a wide range of features and context. Not only entertaining media
such
 as playing games, watching funny videos or searching the web
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 learning resources like e-books, study materials or academic information are offered via
smartphones
. Without
smartphones
, it is like navigating a room without light. Despite the plausible reasons aforementioned, I believe that
this
 behaviour is a negative development. First of all, it harms
children
’s health. Not only does excessive screen
time
 damage
children
’s vision
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 it promotes physical inactivity, leading to sedentary lifestyles and increasing the risk of obesity and other diseases.
Second,
the activity reduces people's skills. The more
time
children
 spend
time
 on screens, the fewer opportunities they have for face-to-face communication with others. If
children
 perceive smartphone use as their primary form of entertainment, their social skills may deteriorate over
time
. In conclusion,
children
 regard
smartphones
 as their entertaining and studying companions, leading to extensive screen
time
.
However
, I strongly contend that
this
 situation is not as bright as it seems since it affects
children
 negatively in terms of well-being and interpersonal interaction.
Submitted by 100hyunjun on

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Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using a wider range of linking phrases and transition words to guide the reader more effectively through the essay. Additionally, work on paragraphing to ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea, supported by examples or further explanation.
Task Achievement
For task achievement, aim to provide a more balanced perspective by exploring both sides of the argument more fully. Integrate more specific, real-world examples to support your points. Moreover, ensure you address all parts of the prompt comprehensively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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