IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Topic: Some people think that men are naturally more competitive than women. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#topic #people #men #women
In
this
 gender equality era, there's still some myth in the society that male is genetically more competitive than female.
However
, in my opinion, competitiveness is not related to any of human's sex. Historically, many women have achieved some highest acknowledgements from the world, so do the men.
Thus
,
this
 essay is going to try to prove, that anyone can achieve something through perseverance and an equal (not gender-biased) chance.
To begin
 with, I still remembered when I was in high school, I read a biography about renowned scientist called Marie Currie. She has achieved several Nobel prizes in science through a discovery of a new chemical element.
Moreover
, she succeeded the experiments because of her supporting husband. When her husband died in accident, she could pass the ‘darkest-moment’ of her life through perseverance in her research. From
this
 instance, we know that Marie Curie is a woman and can won in a more masculine-field that time. Another example is what happened in the American democracy several years ago. There was a presidential-election with its candidates: Donald Trump versus Hillary Clinton.
Although
 the result was Hillary lost to her rival, what she had achieved was incredibly notorious. It had proven that, Hillary was as competitive as the other candidates.
In addition
, she could stand in the final round through meritocracy and an equal chance.
To sum up
, there are essential factors related to the degree of competence in the mankind
such
 as discipline, merit, and it’s not something from a human naturally born with: gender.
Submitted by angela.claudia1107 on

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task response
The essay addresses the prompt and provides a clear opinion on the topic. However, some parts of the essay lack focus on the argument and could be further developed.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction and conclusion. However, the introduction could be more concise and the conclusion could summarize the main points of the essay more effectively.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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