IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Ownership of mobile phones has risen dramatically in recent years despite the potentially harmful effects they may have on health and the society. Governments should introduce measures to restrict ownership of mobile phones to those who need them for work. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#ownership #phones #years #effects #health #society #governments #measures #work
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There is a wide range of
people
 who
holds
Correct subject-verb agreement
hold
show examples
 the view that mobile
phones
 have had potential damage effects on their owner's health and our society.
Therefore
 they argue that governments should set up treatment to ensure owners use their mobile
phones
 for work
instead
 of other purposes. I strongly support the first group, and
this
 essay will explain several reasons behind my agreement. First of all,
people
 are addicted to their
phones
, and they immerse themselves in the virtual world
instead
 of taking care of their customers or family members.
Moreover
, more and more
people
 stare at their phone screens all the time, and they're abject pay attention to improve their quality of life and take concern for
people
 around them.
Hence
, smartphones significantly reduce
people
’s social skills and decrease
people
's energy and passion.
on the other hand
, the smartphone is
making
Verb problem
having
show examples
 a bad effect on public health and security. Some
people
 are not aware that others
such
 as hackers can hear their conversations on their
phones
 and steal their bank accounts, and they can publish false advertisements on it to fraud other humankind.
Also
, mobile phone waves could cause damage to our brains and decrease our concentration
while
 we are driving. Plus, kinds of electronic products
influenced
Wrong verb form
influence
show examples
 young children's minds by some wrong knowledge spread on the Internet, letting them lose their self-discipline.
To conclude
, I strongly believe that it
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 be better if the government encouraged residents to reduce the time of using their
phones
 except at the need in work.
Submitted by caelumz1121 on

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coherence cohesion
Improve the clarity and coherence of your ideas.
task achievement
Provide more examples and specific details to support your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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