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Band 4

Some think that governments should support retired people financially while others believe they should take care of themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#think #governments #support #people #care
Undoubtedly, when
people
 reach
at
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
a later
stage
 of their lives, they need more assistance and attention. A section of
people
 believe it is
Correct article usage
the governments
show examples
governments
Change noun form
government's
show examples
 duty to aid retired individuals by providing them funds
although
 others opine they are accountable
to look
Change preposition
for looking
show examples
 after themselves. I am
accord
Change preposition
in accord
show examples
 with the latter opinion as the
governments
 have other important domains to invest their funds. Let us delve deeper in
order
 to have a better understanding
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 these two perspectives in the impending paragraphs.
To begin
 with, the pivotal ground behind the former opinion of considering
governments
 must assist retired
people
 fiscally because they have paid a large amount of
taxes
 during their working tenure. To explain, when
people
 work in different fields in their lives, they are liable to pay
taxes
 from their remuneration so
governments
 ought to help them financially during their older
stage
. Elderly
people
 have worked industriously in
order
 to bring prosperity
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their country and they
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 worked for a longer duration in their lives. Thereby,
governments
 should assist senior citizens of their country financially as they
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 paid
taxes
 and
they had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 worked rigorously in their working period. To exemplify, a survey conducted by The
Unites
Replace the word
United
show examples
 States
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Census Bureau in US in 2015 on 1365 youth ranging from 25 to 35 years old revealed
94
Correct word choice
that 94
show examples
% of them agreed
governments
 were responsible
to helped
Change preposition
for helping
show examples
 retired
people
 financially as they had paid them
taxes
 from their wages regularly and they had worked hard so that their country was able to make progress.
On the contrary
, the main reason for the latter opinion of considering retired
people
 should take care of themselves is that it makes them feel more self-reliant. To clarify, as
people
 before reaching
at
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
the elderly
stage
 had always looked after themselves, they never got dependent on anyone for their needs so
this
 has developed a feeling of self-independent in them. In
order
 to maintain the feeling of
self-sufficient
Replace the word
self-sufficiency
show examples
, it is pivotal for the senior citizens not to be dependent on the
governments
Fix the agreement mistake
government
show examples
 for the monetary aspect. To illustrate ,
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
research conducted by Harvard University in 2017 on 4580 retired
people
 ranging from 75 to 88 years old revealed 97%
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
were
contented
Change the form of the verb
content
show examples
 that they were not dependent on the
governments
Fix the agreement mistake
government
show examples
 for finance and they were living their
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
indpendently
Correct your spelling
independently
 in their later
stage
Fix the agreement mistake
stages
show examples
 too. To encapsulate, it can be concluded,
although
Correct word choice
that although
show examples
 retired
people
 had paid
taxes
 during their working period, they must not be dependent on
governments
 for finance. I wholeheartedly believe retired
people
 should take care of themselves in
order
 to maintain their feeling of
self-sufficient
Replace the word
self-sufficiency
show examples
 and
governments
 have already other areas to invest funds for
nation
Replace the word
national
show examples
 development.
Submitted by kk9969840 on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement
  • financial support
  • social responsibility
  • comfortable and secure
  • reduces poverty
  • safety net
  • limited resources
  • fairness and equality
  • personal responsibility
  • independence
  • financial planning
  • saving
  • burden on the government
  • control over retirement
  • economic growth
  • private investment
  • combination of approaches
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