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Writing Samples
Band 7

The graph below compares changes in the birth rates of China and the USA between 1920 and 2000. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below compares changes in the birth rates of China and the USA between 1920 and 2000. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The line graph compares
birth
Use synonyms
 rates in
China
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 and the US and how these rates changed from 1920 to 2000.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
birth
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 rates of both nations decreased over the
period
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 of 80 years.
Although
Linking Words
 the two trends were similar in terms of a general decline, the
birth
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rate
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of
Change preposition
in
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 the USA in most years was higher than that of
China
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. In the 1920-1935
period
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, the
birth
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rate
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 in America fluctuated,
although
Linking Words
 it always remained above 10%.
However
Linking Words
, in the following decade, the American
birth
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rate
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 fell sharply to below 5%. In the 1950s, the figure for the USA increased significantly to exactly 15%, which was its highest point during the 80-year
period
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. Throughout the remainder of the
period
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, there was a gradual decline in the US
birth
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rate
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, which fell to 7% by the year 2000. Over the same
period
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, the
birth
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rate
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 in
China
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 varied more significantly than in the US. It dropped to 5% from 1940 to 1945 before reaching the highest point of the whole line graph, 20%, in 1950.
By contrast
Linking Words
, 5 years later, the
birth
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rate
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 in
China
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 decreased rapidly by over 10%, falling to approximately 2% in 2000.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "although".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words birth, china, period, rate with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "compares" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decline" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fell" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 2 times.
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